


The Course of Ture Love (and of First Dates)

by JakeDov



Series: The Skyrim Chronicles [3]
Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Boys In Love, Falling In Love, First Dates, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Love, M/M, Romance, True Love, love is stronger than hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 07:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11985315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JakeDov/pseuds/JakeDov
Summary: This is a kind of retrospective to the stories I have already uploaded on Ralof and Haithabu in Skyrim, detailing the story of the first time they ever went out together, the first romantic (and at times quite awkward) date... Haithabu asked his flame out on a date and neither quite knows how to behave at first, what to do or what to say, but eventually they click and are starting to have a great time...





	The Course of Ture Love (and of First Dates)

The Course of True Love (and First Dates)

I couldn’t remember ever feeling as nervous and anxious in my entire life before. Not, when I was sent on uncountable, so-called suicide missions, only to survive fighting and almost always even quite successful. Not, when facing a whole band of brigands or pilferers on a lonely hilltop camp or in a disadvantageous cave, having to hold my enemies off and defeat them single handedly. Not, when being sent behind enemy lines with nothing on my body – no weaponry, no protective armor – except a small dagger, to off their leader all by myself, taking a huge risk for my personal life in order to avoid as many casualties as possible. And neither, when helping the outnumbered Stormcloaks win back what they claimed to be rightfully theirs and, against all odds, helping Jarl Ulfric of Windhelm ascend the High Throne of Skyrim. 

I was a man of war, a mercenary to be hired and used to fight, and I was accustomed to these kinds of things. But this, here, now, was something entirely different. I was waiting to go on my first date with the man of my dreams, and I was outrightly terrified. I tucked at my finely embroidered collar intermittently, trying not to let my nervousness show too much and fighting helplessly to control myself. I had shed my beloved light armour in favour of a newly bought and richly adorned – and in my mind much too tightly fitting at some very delicate spots – soft, woolen attire, the cheeky tailor in Whiterun had assured me would fit me perfectly fine and accentuate all the right places. It was a longcut, deep blue tunic, held together just above the waist by a broad and intricately elegant anthrazit belt buckled off to the left side, matched with a quite skinny pair of pants in an only slightly lighter shade, giving the overall impression, I was bathed in blue. The tunic had a very big v-neck, exposing a great deal of skin, baring the upper half of my hairless chest, which made me slightly uncomfortable and the pants felt itchy and unfamiliar. I had spent the last one and a half year in my gear and had barely ever shed it since I had joined the Stormcloak rebellion. I didn’t even posess anything else besides it, other than a set of discarded rags for sleeping and a chain mail I never wore because it started to clank whenever you moved and I just could not have this, could not fight like that. For this unusual occassion, though, I had decided to go to certain lenghts and allow a professional to accouter me properly in completely new and fashionable stuff. And, regarding myself in her mirror after the fitting yesterday, I had come to believe she had done an impeccable job; I looked almost handsome, even in front of my own, mostly critical eyes. If I truly wanted to leave as positive an impression as possible, this certainly was the way to do it. But I couldn’t yet be convinced to feel entirely comfortable in it, completely without protective gear. I felt strangely naked and uncommonly vulnerable. And all of this, for what? Maybe this had been a bad idea. A complete mistake altogether. Maybe I shouldn’t have had a few affectionate gestures on his part let me lose my head and the coolness I had worked on so hard to establish over the years and made a complete fool out of myself by asking this particular man for this particular date. Maybe he wouldn’t even show up. Maybe he took me for a fraud, silently laughing into his cup of nordic mead in the back of some brawny tavern somewhere, at the thought of standing me up. Taking glee in the way he would embarrass me if he told any of his fellow Stormcloaks about this, all sharing a laugh about this rediculously gullible, needy elf named Haithabu. Had the last kiss just been a sham? Knowing mortal men, and what they sometimes condescended to do just for fun, I mused what I should feel like if everything turned out to just having been a hilarious joke to him. Had he just played with me and my feelings for him? Had all his subtle declarations of affection been lies too? But could he have lied to me like that? Would he? He had seemed so utterly sincere and vulnerable at the time…

I remembered that mild night only a few weeks ago, when we had kissed for the first time on a lonely and deserted hilltop not far from Rorikstead. How everything had been completely still around us, the stars winking brightly and smiling down on us from a cloudless and completely unveiled night-sky. How he had looked at me then, entirely innocent and innocuous. How I had felt my heart give at the thought of the possibility of loving him, of being loved by him, of being his partner in life. Having him by my side not only temporarily at that particular moment, but forever. He had looked so completely amazed and astonished by seeing his obviously fragile feelings reciprocated by another man – and an elven one at that – these feelings that are so very much forbidden both in his religion and in his culture and are – if not punishable by death itself (yet) – still very much frowned upon by all straight inhabitants of the Empire. Which, I am sad I have to confess, are almost all inhabitants of Tamriel. Still, even from the first time when we had met on that fateful day in Helgen and even more so after I had had the courage to join the rebellion, right up until the exchange of our first kiss, I had felt him testing tentatively, albeit most shyly, for a shared connection or even a mutual bond. Which had had me rushing headlong into an unfortunate entanglement, stammering and stuttering incomprehensively, asking for a date with this most unusual nordic freedom fighter. 

Actually, I had been at a particularly low and depressed point in my life, when I had first set eyes upon him. I had finally depricated and filed away my time here in Skyrim as worth for a few nice and unique adventures and unusual experiences, but quickly concluded that there was nothing permanent to hold me here in this cold and often bleak province of Tamriel any more. Deep down in my heart, I had secretly been longing for my homeland, the deep wandering forests of Valenwood that I had not visited in over a hundred years. I certainly would not be welcomed back like a dearly missed son or a long-lost relative anybody would be glad to have back. In fact, most people back in Valenwood thought I was dead and I had convinced myself over the years, that that was for the best. But still, in the deep, lushly green and familiar forests of my childhood I felt at least like I belonged. And I had been convinced back then, that everything had to be better, surely, than being stranded in Skyrim utterly alone, without anyone to spend my life with, better than having nothing and no-one to come home to and better than dying alone. Skyrim was a nice enough country, most of the time, its people reclusive and close-mouthed on the outside, but nice and forthcomingly helpful enough as soon as you got to know them better. They were quick to affection, happy to give friendship and support and they opened their hearts to anyone who would return their kindness and who worked hard enough to earn their trust. I had made many an invaluable friend here. But, it was a true pyre if you were all alone at night and in your heart found yourself craving nothing so bad as love. Especially, when your last relationship had been so achingly long ago, so many years past. So, I had been prepared to return broken and very thoroughly lonely, to my childhood home. It had seemed, that even the spiteful derision and hostile rejection that would await me there, would be better than being entirely alone out here. That was, until I had first set my eyes on that particular Nord, a prisoner of the Imperials being driven to his execution in the cart right beside me, and after having joining his party, I had realized – if somewhat belatedly – that there was a shy spark of returned affection, timidly showing in his brightly burning eyes at times he thought no one else was watching. And after a while I realized, after spending many a day and countless nights togehter on invaluable missions to assist in the Stormcloak’s cause to free the nordic province of Skyrim of its imperial oppressors and bring back peace for its Nord inhabitants, that I was slowly beginning to fall in love with him.

I heard hurriedly shuffling footsteps approaching from behind and my scouting and hunting instincts yelled at me to get off the brightly lit road to take cover in the shadows of the nearby brush and brace my bow, ready for a fight. However, now I simply took my hands off my weapons, turned around to face this newcomer, delighting when I saw that it was actually whom I had been waiting for expectantly. Half an hour late, but better late than never. My warrior`s instincts silenced immediately. Instead, I felt a new longing arise within my chest, which was namely to reach out and encompass him into a halting embrace. Press lingering kisses onto his lips and bury my fingers in his softly glowing braided curls, to gain again the feeling of complete ease, of finally belonging, that I had felt when we had kissed. But something told me this would not be a particularly good idea, that it would be better to hold off, better to start things slow, so I contended myself with a short and simple “Hello”, drinking in the sight of him like a desperately needed drug to keep me going. Clearly, he had also put on an effort to look and appear his best, as anxious to leave a good impression as I was. He had brushed and braided his wavy blond hair meticulously and, without a cap or a helmet, I could finally see that it reached all the way down around his ears, past his broad cheekbones, just brushing his shoulders with its soft tips and floating around his collar like fluttering tinsel. His skin was as clean-shaved as I had ever seen it, and on spotting me standing at the big intersection off the main road just a league ahead of Riverwood, a rosy shade of light red crept up along his light and beardless cheeks.

We had unanimously agreed that we should probably meet and spend the evening somewhere out of sight of any groups of townsfolk, feeling it might not be wise to remind people of our relationship. Not, that I could say for sure if we actually had a relationship, or were even planning to have one. But wherever this may lead, we should not determine it in front of anyone else and certainly not in some biased village where everyone knew anyone. And especially not in such a small hamlet as Riverwood where the rest of Ralof’s family lived. Ralof wouldn`t have an easy time if everyone knew he had secret dates with an elf. So, instead, we had agreed to meet here, just outside of town, and Ralof had hinted that he knew just the right and a certainly deserted place where to spend the evening together. Not knowing the place and its surroundings as well as he did, I had consented to be surprised and let him make the arrangements. We would spend the evening wherever he had planned to go and he’d only return home to his sister’s place late at night when everyone else would be fast asleep already or drunk in the tavern, too drunk to notice him vanish in Gerdur‘s house. Having nowhere else to stay in Riverwood, Ralof had offered to arrange one of the guest rooms in the local tavern called The Sleeping Giant for me, where he apparently knew the owner – to spare me the ten gold coins I´d have had to pay if I´d lent it myself. Deeming that rather considerate of him, I had thanked him warmly, but nonetheless I felt the need to decline. Whenever possible, I prefered the company of the deserted, silent night and my equally silent steed to the drunken noisieness of a roadside inn brawling with boasting travellers and slinky thieves; I was completely at ease with sleeping out in the wild at night, camping in the stark nature with nothing but a pillow and a warm blanket for company, an elf being by nature’s call most comfortable under the vast firmament of the endless stars, especially now, in high summer.

Ralof came down the slightly sloping hill at a half-run, flushed not only from the slight chill of the sun vanishing, making way slowly and majestically for Tamriels two big moons and a whole armada of accompanying, sparkling stars. The sun caught Ralof in its very last rays, just before disappearing behind the crest of the closest ridge, casting a liquid golden glow of molten lava all around him, letting him shine as with divine light. Same as me, he had discarded his Stormcloak armour of dark blue cape and silvery mail and donned a very handsome suit of embroidered linen of a very dark grey, that suited him impeccably, setting off his glowing golden hair perfectly, almost too much beauty for me to take in. And on top of everything, his piercing blue eyes stood out of all of that, sparkling and blazing with an aura entirely their own, taking my breath away time and again. As soon as he reached me, the small boulder beside the road where I had been waiting, he smiled wanly and somewhat shyly, clearly also not exactly knowing what he was doing here, where this would lead, and what he should do. He greeted me with a short and rather hesitant brotherly hug, the sort of which my studies showed was common enough with brothers in arms and fighting companions in Skyrim. And as far as he was concerned, that was probably all that we actually were, all that he wanted us to be. But, having consented to go on a date with me, I felt my hopes rise ever so slightly that this could (maybe) soon change and the possibility of something deeper would develop.

“Hello, friend,” he said awkwardly and mechanically started down a muddy little path branching off the main road some way off to the left. “Sorry for my delay. But I had to get rid of my nephew first. Frodnar can be quite obstinate when he wants to.”

„I didn’t know you had a nephew,“ I said, falling in line with him, easily matching his pace.

„Well, yes. I do. He’s the only son of my sister Gerdur and her husband Hod. They work the mill in Riverwood.“

„Right, I remember meeting them on that day we escaped from Helgen. She healed me, remember?“ 

Though frankly, I had to admit I didn’t remember Frodnar. I didn‘t actually remember seeing any child back then. But I had probably just had had too much else going on then, not to mention my injuries which I had felt burning my back with every step, eating away at my flesh with painful incandesence. I had had to fight to even keep conscious, so I was convinced I could and should be forgiven not noticing a little boy at the time.

„Of course I remember,“ Ralof answered and looked at me intently for a rather long time. „How could I ever forget?“

I raised my eyebrows and couldn’t help but quirk my lips. “So, how did you get rid of him finally? Frodnar, I mean. I very much hope you did not have to kill him, did you?”

Caught off guard, Ralof laughed out loud, honest and welcomely uninhibited. “What? Talos, no. Fortunately I was able to satisfy him with a few coins and he was immediately off to buy some sweets. In his opinion, his parents are much too strict in that respect. Probably won’t be home till after dark neither, sharing his loot with his friends.“

„Your sister will be glad, then”, I observed dryly.

His skin crinkled as he smiled again, showing adorable, spidery laugh lines all around his eyes. “Well, I wouldn’t be all sure about that. At times, she can become quite stern about little Frodnar and his fondness for sweets and trouble of all sorts. It wouldn’t be the first time she accused me of spoiling her son. She and Hod apparently think that I dote on him far too much.”

„Isn’t that what family is all about?“, I asked only half talking to him, partly asking myself and thinking about the moral standarts set by my own family. I only wish I’d had a doting uncle when I was younger. Maybe my life would have turned out differently then. „You know, about loving and taking care of each other, indulging in your relative´s welfare, caring for them like you care for no one else and all that. That´s the whole point… what family is there for, isn’t it?“

„What awfully grave observations. Do you always talk about such serious matters on a first date?“

I looked at him, surprised. Then I willed my strained conscience to relax and even managed to smile a bit. „You are right,“ I said, shrugging. „But seeing as my last serious rendezvous dates back quite some years, I might be out of practise a little bit… even rusted slighty. You see, I don’t get to go out with gorgeous men like you every other day.“

I had only wanted to lighten the mood, make him laugh, but apparently, this had been the wrong thing to say. He made no attempt to reply, but his face suddenly took on a much more serious note and closed off, the mirth from before suddenly vanished. He accelerated his pace slightly, hiding his expression from me. I was taken aback, wondering what might have hurt him like that, shocked by the thought it could have been something that I had said and hadn’t even noticed. 

Quick to make amends for my former unconscious slip of tongue, I hurried to catch up with him and asked demonstratively good-humoured: „So, where are we going?“

„It’s a surprise,“ Ralof answered with only the slightest hint of his good mood, which usually lit up his entire face and made you want to join in with him in his merriment and take part in what caused him such delight. „You will see when we get there,” he added mysteriously, but said nothing more. 

After being aquainted with him for only the short time I have been, I could already claim to know from experience that Ralof was not one to show his feelings willingly in general, or readily let outsiders participate in any burst of joy in particular very often, but every time he did, everyone around was bound to notice. Knowing this, I was especially glad that he had started to show me parts of his real feelings step by step and that I was able to glimpse behind his almost perfectly crafted facade more and more often.

The slowly darkening village receded behind us, as we strolled ever upwards, through a small cluster of big fir trees and smaller oaken ones, out into the open again by a big boulder split clean in the middle. We followed the twisting path higher and higher up the small mountainside overlooking Riverwood and I kept wondering if the summit might be our final destination. Surely the view from up there would be worth the strenuous ascent, but by the looks of it there was still a formidable way to go. We were just cresting a small hilltop, still following that same path of hard-packed dirt, Riverwood with its lively splashing river stretched way below to our left, when Ralof turned to face me suddenly and smiled at me nervously. It was the moment I realized he was just as excited and equally anxious about how the evening might proceed as I was. I felt a new sense of connection, binding us together, and despite my nagging doubts, which I tried to bury deep down in my conscience, I tried to convince me with the fact that he was as insecure as I was about all of this, that he was as nervous about him liking me as I was the other way around. Maybe, this would actually work out, with the two of us. Maybe, we could really get togeher.

„So,“ he started timidly. „I heard rumours about the Dragonborn. Legend has, he will come to help us get rid of the dragons. Now that they have risen again in old strenght, anxious to wipe Tamriel clean of any of us. An old man in my village said he’s seen him in the woods only a few weeks back. You think the legends are true? You think the final battle is neigh? Would the Dragonborn care about us enough to come to our aid?“

The Dragonborn would do anything for you, Ralof, I thought, but wisely kept my mouth shut, while I carefully contemplated the answer to that. After all, only Delphine knew about me, only she had the key to my destiny and as long as I myself wasn´t yet entirely sure about what fate held in store for me, I’d rather keep it that way. After all, as soon as people found out it was me, I wouldn´t be able to go anywhere, do anything unobserved any more. Which was not particularly helpful when I had absolutely no idea whatsoever, yet, what could be done about the dragons. I shrugged my shoulders. 

„Well, I don´t know. I guess so. Though I think it would be awfully hard on anyone to put the weight of the fate of the entire world on one man alone. That sounds quite unfair to me.“

„It is. And whoever it is, it must be hell for him. Knowing that only he can do this thing, only he can save the world, only he stands between Skyrim – the entirety of Tamriel, even – and a second oblivion. Only the Dragonborn can beat Alduin and slay the beast.“ He shivered slightly. „I wonder how a man can bear that much. I cannot even imagine living like that. It would drive me crazy.“

Now it was my turn to shiver, and I answered thoughtfully. „It is not going to be easy, not even for him. He will need help. No man can do a thing like that all alone.“

„Do you think it was really Alduin? The beast that attacked us that day in Helgen? Do you think we encountered the very Lord of the Dragons himself?“

„My researches certainly point in that direction,“ I replied, trying not to think of the outright terror Alduin had made me experience that day. And of the true panic I felt every time my mind tried to get round to the fact that, as Ralof had pointed out so considerately, I was the only one who could stop him, I would have to be the one who killed him. It nearly killed me, at times, the thought alone robbing my sleep, this dire relization seeping through my dreams, terrifying, frigtening, depressing me. I knew for sure that it had been Alduin, back in Helgen, as I had understood every single word the dragon had said, even though for ordinary men it must have sounded like especially powerful, horrendous shouts of consternation, and nothing more. But I had heard, and I had listened. I even knew now, what Alduin wanted from this world and what his inexorable next step would be. But Ralof didn´t have to know about any of it. Not yet, anyways. „It must have been an exceptionally mighty dragon, though, to wreak that much destruction, take on and even destroy an entire village. Especially Helgen. It was not really dragonproof, but it was well-defended and masterfully forticated. A regular dragon would not have managed to break through the defences, not with General Tullius himself being present. It must have been Alduin, Master of all Dragons. Would corroborate the legends as well.“

„You seem to know a lot about this,“ said Ralof. „About the dragons and the prophecy.“

I shrugged my shoulders, trying not to appear too bothered, trying not to seem to care too much, hiding the fact that in reality it was pretty much almost everything I could think about, lately. Well, almost everything, anyways…

„Well, I did some research on the subject. I find it highly interesting. I am curious if the Dragonborn will manage. If he’ll live up to the expectations all these people put in him. Frankly, in my opinion, it almost seems too much for a single man to bear. After all, you cannot expect one single individual to save the whole world. This is just… too much to ask. Don´t you think so?“ I looked at him expectantly, studying his reaction closely, hoping against hope he didn´t hear the desperation in my voice nor see the mind-numbing panic in my eyes. It was disconcerting, how much I wanted him to agree with me, how desperately I needed his approval.

He pondered my question for a few seconds, but then shook his attractively appealing head. „It is much,“ he concurred thoughtfully. „But I don´t think it is too much. Talos would not have selected him, if he wasn´t up to the task. He is the only one there is, the only shot humanity has, and he will be strong enough. I know it. We only have to have faith. In destiny and in the Gods. He will kill Alduin, I am sure of it, he will save us.“

„What if he doesn´t believe in Talos or the rest of your people‘s gods?“, I whispered. „What if he isn´t even human?“

„Then our faith, the faith of the people who do believe in the prophecy, who believe in him, just has to be strong enough. It will have to suffice.“ He mused, then continued confidently. „I, for my part, believe in him.“

Oh, Ralof, I thought, affectionately. If only you knew… If only you’d sound so sure about everything if you knew the truth. If only you could believe in me. I shook my head to exile these depressing thoughts and to focus back on the merry – if somewhat awkward – subject of our first date. It wasn´t easy – and I can´t tell if Ralof noticed something was wrong when I abruptly changed the subject, but if he did, he didn´t comment nor dwell on it – but eventually, I managed, and our conversation turned to brighter prospects and I was able to relax again. We talked about the revolution – of course, what else was as red-hot or important in Skyrim right now than Ulfric’s war for freedom and independence, more gripping than anything else going on in Tamriel, both of us an indispensable part of it – and he told me how he came to believe in the cause and first got actively involved with the Stormcloaks after a violent row with his father only a few years back. He told me about how the idealistic freedom fighters took him in and under their wing, and made a soldier out of a terrified, young and inexperienced provincial, about how they groomed him amongst their midst, accepted him just the way he was, no matter what he was, even though soldiers – in my experience, at least – are often far from tolerant, and how, even at twenty-four, he had steadily risen through their ranks faster than anyone else ever before and was now, at twenty-seven, one of a few, priviliged members of Ulfric’s elite, a captain of the Stormcloaks. Having been on several missions with him, having experienced him as a leader on many different occassions, I had to confirm, he was simply born to the task. He united all the important qualities a commander of war needed to have in one person, and distributed them amongst his men with practised skill and natural ease. He was smart and conscientious, considerate and calm, inducing all necessary respect – both in his superiors, subordinates and enemies alike – without even having to put up an effort to try. His men liked him and he liked his men. They were there for each other, listening to each other’s problems and concerns and Ralof would do anything in his power to help them, to make each and every one of his men and women happy. They repayed this kindness and care with uninhibited trust in and blind obedience to their captain, which made him happy in turn. Having fought with them, having stood side by side with them, seeing how closely and considerately they worked together, I knew they were the perfect entity, the perfect unit. Ulfric and Galmar should be happy to have him on their side, to have him in their forces. He was hell of a commander and I told him as much. He was embarrassed and quickly averted his eyes, but I noticed the slight blush creeping into his smooth cheeks. It only made him more adorably handsome, in my mind, and when he finished being sheepish about it, he met my eyes and I smiled at him. He returned the compliment with big eyes and an open expression and I felt my hopes rise.

Finally, Ralof stopped and made a sweeping gesture with his free hand, indicating a small glade on a lonely rock outcropping, rimmed in by mighty stone pillars in an uneven sort of concentric circle. To the left, the cliff dropped down abruptly and almost vertically for several hundred yards, deep down to a bed of the river, forming a deep gorge crafted by the White River before it bypassed Riverwood and finally emerged into the vast open plain, running hurriedly all the way towards Whiterun. The oblong crafted stones, installed here by some long dead anchestors of the Nord who had already been populating Skyrim several thousand years ago, when dragons were still roaming the skies freely and in greater numbers than today and the earth was still young, leaned heavily to one side, made decrepit and crooked by the storms, winds and gales of the harsh climate of many hundreds of years together. All around to the right, the softly undulating terrain sloped upwards steadily, rock boulders strewn seeminly haphazardly among solitary birches and fir trees. The long blades of grass swayed in the soft evening breeze calmly. There was no sign of anyone passing through the area lately, confirming my silent speculations that it must have been quite some time since the last human being had trodden here. I could smell fragrant blossoms of wild flowers, the pungent odor of fir needles, and the clean and healthy note of mountaineous air. I took a moment to savour the particular smells of undisturbed nature no human had attempted to tame in a long while. The humming of late bees mingled with the chirping of early night birds, all mostly drowned out by the chirring noise of whole armadas of crickets; it made me feel peaceful and at home. It was a long time since I’d been in a beautifully pristine place as this one. I felt my tension flee as my innermost self relaxed in the last afterglow of the waning sun, the sky almost completely dark now, safe of a tiny, darkening band of rosé far, far away on the western horizon.

“Here we are”, Ralof said and produced a soft woollen blanket which he spread out in the thick grass growing in the middle of the towering stones and a dark wicker basket he had been carrying all the time, packed to the brim with food and other stuff. 

He set the basket down on the blanket and gestured invitingly for me to sit down next to him on his checkered cover. Folding my feet under my body comfortably and complying, I watched Ralof intently while he went about unpacking the contents of his basket – which, by the looks of all the things he pulled out of there, had to be much bigger than I had initially assumed – and arranged some small loaves of cheese, home-baked bread and a fresh bunch of big grapes, along with a full skin of wine in front of me. Unquestionably, he had given quite some thoughts to the planning and the set-up of this evening. I wondered if he had even felt the same measure of restlessness and disquietude as I had, longing for the big day to finally come closer, at the same time all the while secretly dreading the event and its outcome, hoping but not knowing for sure, if or if not it will become a success. I got the fleeting feeling that we might fit together quite well in many respects after all.

The crickets had stopped chirping only minutely when we arrived, but after we had settled in, they soon resumed their song and so we sat on our blanket in utter silence for a little while, listening to the sounds of the night and savouring the privacy of this truly romantic place. Other than the sounds of the nocturnal animals it was utterly quiet. Riverwood – and all signs of human inhabitation with it – were concealed and hidden behind the next bend of the stream and for miles around, there was not a single human soul to be encountered. I closed my eyes languidly, imagining Ralof and myself to be entirely alone in this balmy summer night.

„So,“ Ralof began a quiet conversation. „What have you been up to since we met last?“ He took a long draw from the full wine skin, before offering it to me. I was not much of a wine drinker – elves never are – but even I perceived immediately that it had to be an excellent vintage. Ralof apparently left nothing to chance neither. I liked that.

„Well, after successfully interfering the deliverance of this silver convoy of the imperials, I returned to Galmar’s current camp in the Reach, east of Markath, just as you told me to. He, in turn, sent me to Ulfric, to bring your Jarl these splendid news – and his spoils. I was just about to have an audience with him when we run into each other in Windhelm last week. Ulfric was very pleased by our successful campaign and promised healthy bonuses for all involved.“

„I am happy to hear that. My men will be pleased indeed. So, you’ve been to Windhelm this week. Have you spoken to Galmar after your interview with Ulfric?“

I nodded. „Ulfric invited me to stay for the war-council and Galmar arrived only two days after me. Some Imperials intercepted one of our own delivery wagons out on the border, close to Riften, though apparently, it was one not quite as important as the other we took over. Still, the emperor sees it as payback and he holds the three soldiers that have driven the cart captive still. Wants to have them ransomed.“

„They are not dead?“, Ralof asked, hopeful. „That is a good sign. It shows the Empire is weakening. They want to negotiate with us. It means we are finally making a difference. Now that they want something from us, we can finally make an end to all the fighting, all the dying. We can talk to them, as they have never let us talk before. Now, they finally take us seriously. This is good.“

„Dont you think we should follow the captives and free them as soon as we can track the Imperials down?“, I asked. „Rescue our men, before the Emperor can place hie demands. They dont deserve to be reduced to simple pawn.“

He pondered his response deeply, before answering. „They are no pawn. With their help, for the first time, we could really achieve something. Their lives are at stake, I know that, but I know all of them personally. They are good men. They would gladly sacrifice themselves for the greater good. To help the cause and win the revolution with as little additional bloodshed as possible. After all, if we can manage to strike an advantageous bargain with the Imperials over the release of these prisoners, this war could be over soon. The thing in itself means the emperor is finally willed to settle, to come to terms with us. There will be no more battles, no more deaths. The civilians would be safe again and Skyrim free at long last. It is what all of us fought for for so long. I would die for that. Wouldn´t you?“

I shrugged my shoulders. „Sure,“ I said, not entirely convinced, but I guess Ralof didn´t notice. After all, I had joined this war mostly for his sake if for nothing and no one else; I wasn´t as devoted to what they called the case as the rest of them. I wasnt even a Nord by birth, Skyrim certainly not my cherished fatherland. „I guess so.“ I helped myself to a large chunk of bread and savoured the taste of it. It was long since my supper had tasted that well, that fresh. „What do you think Galmar will do now?“

„Regarding the captives? Honestly, I dont know,“ answered Ralof. „I guess he himself thinks more like you than like me in this respect, but he is not the one who gets to decide things like that. And who can know what Jarl Ulfric will say? In my experience, he is very hard to predict, even in the best of times and lately, stress has made him even more… volatile. Even though we are mostly successful of late, he gets more and more secluded, more and more paranoid. I guess that’s just what happens with people in this line of work.“

I chuckled. „Nicely phrased,“ I said, though of course I knew exactly what Ralof meant. Standing up to the opressing yoke of a foreign rule, leading the entire province into a running revolution that was costing thousands of lives each and every year, and fighting to keep the upper hand, while attempting to control whole hordes of different soldiers and securing the rule over the civilian population at the same time, being accepted as the true king by all of them, wasn´t the easiest of tasks even for an emotionally stable person. And rumour had it, that Ulfric was everything but.

„I really can´t say what Ulfric will make of it, but I know for sure that neither he nor Galmar will give up on these men,“ said Ralof after a contemplative pause. „After all, they are Stormcloaks, like us, and we never leave anyone behind. We’ll get them out of there, I’m sure of it. But it is not for me to question the desicions of those above me. If I get an order, I follow it, that’s my call. But I leave the deciding to my betters. That way, everybody gets to do what he or she is best at.“

I did not necessarily agree with that particular point of view, but decided not to say anything else. After all, this was a date, and a first one at that, so I felt we probably shouldn´t talk political issues and opinions right here, right now. It wasn´t the right place to start a discussion over something like that. Especially not with the most attractive guy I have met in years! There were definitely more interesting topics we could speak about and find a common liking for. I was not very good at small-talk at best and now I was so nervous – what would Ralof think of me, would he like me, what could I impress him with, what would put him off, what estrange him – that I couldn´t even think straight. His magical eyes and mesmerizing looks nearly made me swoon. I decided to compliment him on the food and drinks, just to have something to say.

„Oh, thank you,“ he laughed adorably. „Though I am ashamed to confess nothing really comes directly from me, except the wine, which I bought myself from the inn across my sister’s house this morning. I am afraid the rest of it all belongs to Gerdur and I just nicked it before she knew it was missing at all.“

„Well, it is delicious,“ I told him. „I should thank your sister next time I see her.“

He shrugged his shoulders helplessly and looked away. Suddenly feeling sheepish, I realized that had been an incredibly stupid thing to say. After all, his sister didn´t know that we were on a date right now, she didn´t know about me, probably didn´t even know her brother was into men at all. Of course, the last thing Ralof wanted to do was introduce us. If things were indeed to work out and he and I started to date regularly, I am pretty sure he wouldn´t want anyone to know about a relationship at all. Much less, the most important part of his life, his beloved, cherished family. I bit my lip in distress. Why wasn´t I more cautious before I opened my stupid mouth? Ralof seemed to notice the discomfort of the ensuing silence and visibly struggled to get back on safe turf, to find something easy and entertaining to talk about, without yet to delve into anything too deeply, without getting too personal. After all, we knew each other well, but not that well yet. So, we soon returned to the one unifying elememt in our lives, which was, invariably, war.

„Have you seen the execution of Jarl Balgruuf’s staff in Whiterun the other day?“, asked Ralof. „As far as I know they were punished for turning their cloaks. I have heard it was quite the spectacle. Many people came.“

„No. I only returned to Whiterun yesterday afternoon. I stayed in Windhelm till Loredas and only set out from there three days ago. But I am glad I missed it. Executions always give me the creeps. I don´t like having to watch people killed in cold blood while a whole town cheers the executioner on, no matter what regrettable deeds they did.“ I repressed a shiver.

Ralof nodded in agreement. „Yes, that’s exactly what I feel. I could have gone, but decisively decided to stay away. It is just… cruel. No matter what people are accused of having done, killing them for all to see, without a possibility to defend themselves, without a weapon to die in dignity at least, is unspeakable. After all, we are all humans. We should not treat our own kind like that.“

„You are one of a very small group that think like that. Most people seem to regard it more as an occassion for celebrating, rather than mourning. Nobody seems to remember people actually die. I am glad you are with me in this. Not many would be.“

„Thank you. So... as you were in Windhelm all this time, do you know what the Jarl‘s further plans are? What’s our next move?“, Ralof asked. He was a Stormcloak captain, so I had assumed they were always the very first to be informed and sufficiently briefed on their leader’s plans, participating in his war council whenever they stopped by and offering their advice, helping Ulfric to come to his decisions. But apparently, this revolution didn‘t work like that. Nevertheless, I knew I could trust Ralof with the latest news and that part of the confidential strategies I myself was allowed to hear about (which Ulfric had sworn me not to repeat to anyone below my rank, but being a captain in that very same army was strictly speaking not really below my station, and Ulfric knew Ralof was a very respectable man, so I did not feel in the wrong here).

„Well, he mentioned a hostile takeover attack on another Fort, but didn’t disclose which one. But it is going to be an important mission. He didn´t tell me more, though. Apparently he still doesn’t trust me enough, despite me doing everything he has ever asked of me.“

„Don’t worry,“ said Ralof and laid a warm hand on my exposed tigh sympathetically. It was a strange sensation. New and warm and comfortable, as if it belonged just there, as if both our extremities were made for each other. I suddenly couldn´t fully concentrate on the conversation any more. „Hearsay has it, that he doesn’t trust anyone,“ Ralof continued, oblivious. „As far as I know, he doesn’t even trust his own mother farther than he can throw her.“

„Which can’t be very far, cause I have seen her,“ I said, remembering the obese lady, sporting not only one but a proud number of three double chins. She had been sitting at the Jarl’s table, spooning plates of food into her stomach, not even once looking up from her packed plate during my entire interview with Ulfric. Which, just for the record, had lasted about two and a half hours. We both laughed heartily and I reached for a bunch of delicious grapes. Like everything else this evening, their taste was perfect, just like one wanted grapes to taste. Not too bitter, not too sweet.

„He can be so secretive sometimes,“ Ralof resumed, quickly removing his hand from my leg again, as if he had realized only now, that it was a very intimate gesture. His touch left behind a sad and wrenching sense of loss and I immediately longed to feel him close to me again. „I keep wondering how this revolution can be successful at all, what with Ulfric being so paranoid as to keep all relevant information hidden until the very last possible moment. He’s the only leader we have, tough, so for all who belive in the cause he has to make do. But in any case, I can assure you its nothing personal. He probably wouldn‘t even trust Galmar with his own life and he is his second in command. They know each other since they have both been kids on the cold streets of Windhelm. They are best friends and as close as you could get, but he tells not even Galmar everything that is going on. So, you don’t need to worry. He doesn’t treat me and his other subjects any differently.“

„All right.“ I paused then, taking a risk. „It doesn’t matter tough, not really, because I don’t like him anyways. I respect him, he is an imposing person with quite the unusual personality, but personally, I feel like we don´t have that much in common.“

„Well spoken,“ Ralof replied after a long sip of wine, slowly erupting into one of his heartbreaking grins. I got the feeling he had laughed much more often this evening already, than on all former occassions I had seen him taken together. I wondered if that spoke in my favour. „But truth be told,“ he finished, leaning forward confidentially. „I don’t like Ulfric that much neither.“ I slowly inched closer to him on the opposite side of the blanket, trying not to show my intention too plainly, while he continued to speak in the quiet and deliberated manner that was so typical for him. „On a more serious note though,“ Ralof went on, finishing a bunch of cheese. „It probably will be Fort Sungard, up for a Stormcloak attack. It would just make the most sense, seeing that it practically is next in line on our advance to the Garrison in Solitude. I hear they have already set up a camp hidden from imperial eyes in some forest in the immediate vicinity. And I heard Galmar mentioning it before we went to interfere that imperial silver delivery.“

„Have you ever been there?“, I asked and reached for another piece of the roll of bread. It was still pretty much delicious. Sweet, but not too much so as to blot out the underlying notion of yeast and spiced flour. His sister really could bake!

„No, it’s too far off. My jurisdiction always ever was restricted to this area. Whiterun, Falkreath, Windhelm. These are the cities in between I travel most. I wanted to be stationed as close to my hometown as possible. Family means a lot to me.“

He looked at me as if to gauge how I would react to that. I smiled wistfully and nodded in answer. „Yes,“ I said, thoughtful. „Family is everything.“ I tried not to think too hard about my family, about the fallout we had had, about what had happened with them, what had happened to me, after I had outed myself. Afterwards, nothing had ever been the same ever again. „Their support is immensely important. Be glad they accept you as you are. Not everyone gets as lucky as that. Not all families accept these kinds of feelings, the way people like us love.“

He looked away, averting his eyes as he started to pluck tufts of grass from the pillowy underground, deep in thought. „They don´t know,“ he said after a while spent in contemplative silence, still not meeting my gaze. „They don´t know about me, about what and how I feel, and frankly, I don´t think they should. I don´t want them to find out.“

„Oh,“ I made, tonelessly. I cursed my stupidity and foolishness for just assuming things without actually knowing what I was talking about. Why did I have to say that? Why did I have to steer the conversation on such rocky turf, why couldn´t I just keep my trap shut? What would he think of me now, would he take me for a fool? I bit my lip, looking contrite, desperately searching for a way to get back on safer ground. Make him talk about something that doesn´t cause him pain like that. „Sorry,“ I mumbled, „I didnt mean to… It was not my place.“

He shook his head. „It’s okay, don´t be sorry. You couldn´t know. Now, you do.“ Awkwardly, he continued, palpably relieved to be back on solid ground, speaking about something he knew about, something he cared about, something he felt safe talking about. „But, back on the subject, Zulu’s been to check Sungard out a few weeks ago. I haven´t read the full report but from what he told me, it’s definitely not gonna be easy. It will be a deal of work, the place teeming with Imperials. We’ll need a lot of men to overpower the local general. He is said to be a cunning and shrewed fellow, not easy to gauge. We’ll have a good deal of work to do.“

„Sounds like it,“ I nodded eagerly, glad that he didn´t seem to take my former slight too personal and didn´t dwell on it. „But we have a good deal of great men as well. Zulu and Maryse are pretty smart. And then, there’s always you.“ I winked and took another small sip of wine from the skin. Not much of a drinker usually, the alcoholic fluid was starting to have its effects on my unsuspecting body already. Also, I noticed, that with every additional sip the brew seemed to lose part of its former bitterness and tasted sweeter and sweeter. I felt like I could even come to like it, if only I drank enough of it.

Ralof averted his eyes again, the slight sheen of red shooting through his cheeks in embarassment visible even in the post-dawn darkness. I smiled at him, hopefully looking not as stupid as I felt. After all, I had never been particularly good-looking, not even before my mercenary life. I had a fit and perfectly trained body and a well-proportioned face – after all, I was an elf, and I had never seen a truly ugly one of these – but life as a warrior also had its definite downsides, and after years of fighting and surviving, I had more than one scar defacing my body, their lines still standing out and puckering in an angry red on the otherwise light tan of my skin. The biggest by far was right on my cheek, in plain sight of everyone, the offhand strike of the talons of an angry mountain troll tearing a long gash into my face and very nearly costing me my life. The swift treatment and the nimble hands of a young healer in a tiny hamlet north of Cyrodiil had prevented me from crossing the thin line across and very probably saved my life. I suddenly felt quite self-conscious. I had always worn the scar as part of me, part of my history and had thought of it blemishing my looks as nothing short of what every good warrior should experience in one way or the other, but here, now, right opposite of me sat this perfect guy I wanted to impress so badly. He was a true and proper warrior himself, a textbook-example soldier, impeccable and beautiful. He was different from everyone else and I really had fallen for him quite thoroughly. He was handsome, he was attractive, he was sexy. He had everything a lover could ever ask for, anything I needed in a partner and by the looks of it, there was nothing at all disfiguring his body, his soul, his perfect, untarnished looks. How could a guy like me hope to end up with a guy like him? How could I ever hope to score with him? Be enough for him? I feel like I have made it abundantly clear before, but I just feel the need to say it again, to once more express my affectionate feelings for him: He was perfect! 

„You’re not to be sneezed at, I know that. After all, without you, we wouldnt have been able to intercept the imperial convoy.“

„Thank you,“ he mumbled, embarassed, but I thought also quite pleased with hearing these elevating words from my mouth. „But I have seen you fight, and you are not that bad neither. And we need someone like you, a warrior with your abilities, if we truly want to win this battle. My men and most other Stormcloaks – myself included – are quite acceptable with sword and shield or axe and maze, but they are just not much good long distance. Now you, you are a true archer. The best I have seen in my life. I think I have actually never even seen you miss. Not once. And we need that to break the Fort‘s defences from the outside. To take out their archers from afar, get close enough for the rest of us to storm the bloody thing without being in constant fear of being pin-cushioned from above. Do you, maybe, think you could show me and my men some of your tricks? How to shoot precisely and out of cover, like you? Maybe, generally enhance our shooting abilities?“

I was sincerely touched by this confession and now than ever felt a longing to hug him, to hold him, to kiss him, just like we had kissed on the rocky ledge past week, when he had rocked my world in its foundations. I was desperate to experience this feeling again. Yet, I told myself it would be better, smarter, not to, told myself to hold back, not to press him, not to spook him out. After all, he was shy and closeted and clearly very unexperienced with these kinds of things. I wanted to give him space, wanted him to make up his mind on his own. I smiled at him and looked directly into the deep blue gems that were his eyes, which blazed brightly and with a magnetic attraction even in the dark of night. „Of course,“ I replied, happy about his confidence in me. „I would be honoured.“

„Great. Thus, the conquering of Fort Sungard shouldn´t be too much of a problem at all. We’ll be in and overpower the emperor’s forces before they even notice what is about to happen to them. It’s gonna boost the confidence of Jarl Ulfric’s forces immensely. And then, the way to Solitude will be finally laid.“

„Probably“, I agreed, following the conversation with only half my concentration, the other half being occupied by thoughts about how perfectly aligned Ralof’s shoulders moved when he gestured while talking. The way his neck curved slightly when dispersing into his collar and how gentle and beautiful his face could look when he was talking freely and uninhibitedly, without having to put up an act. When he could be completely himself, without having to fear about being found out. Gone was his stern and carefully guarded expression of concentration and professional distance, having been replaced by something entirely new to me. And judging from his shy demeanor, probably also new to himself. „So, we are slowly closing in on Solitude, where we only have to make General Tullius surrender, convince the rest of his troops to give up and the war will be won. Child’s play,“ I said, closing in myself, but not on Solitude but on Ralof, who was so much more interesting in my, admittedly biased, opinion.

„You make it sound so easy,“ answered Ralof, shifting his weight ever so slightly.

„It is easy,“ I said, only just whispering now, suddenly not sure if we were even still talking about the same thing any more. I reached out my hand to cup his cheek, just as he leaned forward as well, letting me pull him close. His eyes were very big, as if in speechless amazement of what was about to happen. Our mouths met gently, starting with just touching each other slowly, merely brushing our lips together to get to feel each other, not yet quite kissing. He smelled like I remembered him to smell on the rocky ledge last week, as well as on all seperate occassions I’ve been close enough to take him in. I noticed traces of water, firewood and flowers, over which there lay a fine and almost imperceptible hint of freshly plucked lavender and spices and soap. I breathed deeply, savouring the peaceful feelings these distinct smells stirred in me. His hands came up finally, shyly winding themselves around my neck, pressing me closer to him hesitantly. They brushed my pointed ears in the process and I gave a start. He drew back abruptly, as if stung by a bee, his arms disappearing behind his back. 

„Oh,“ he said, consternated. „The ears again. I am so sorry.“ He shuffled and settled back down, approximately an arm’s length away, furrowing his brows in anxious contrition.

„You don’t have to keep apologizing,“ I said quietly, leaning back onto my elbows. „I told you, it’s okay. It’s only that elves‘ ears are quite sensitive, reacting much more distinctly to anything that human or orcish ones can feel. It’s because elves have a much more distinct sense of hearing than anyone else. But you do not have to be sorry. Not for anything.“

He did not answer, but his expression of self-chastising eased a little after my words and he blew out a relieved breath. I wanted to close the distance between us and touch him again, wanted to put his arms back around me, wanted to feel his skin on mine, wanted to feel his skin under the tips of my caressing fingers, but I didn´t dare make another advance. I didn´t want him to think me shallow or superfluous. The stars shone on our little camp from above unerringly, casting just enough illumination to see by, not even close to the sunny light of day, but lighting the night sufficiently for my elven eyes to notice the fiery sparkling rays Ralof´s hair seemed to cast on its surroundings. His eyes – looking completely black in the darkness at the angle he sat in just now, though I knew for sure that they usually sported a light blue brightness and had a piercing shine to them – sparkled even more and seemed to laugh at a private joke while he himself regarded me solemnly. Having finished with eating, he lowered himself onto the blanket slowly, lying down flat on his back.

„This place truly is beautiful“, I observed, feeling the need to change the subject. I lowered myself down beside him and felt heat radiating from his body. He lay close enough to me in order to feel every single muscle move and I felt the comfortable warmth spread out in all directions in comforting rays, but we were not yet quite touching. I slid my hand over the blanket slowly and was delighted when he took hold of it, laying his fingers over mine timidly. “Do you come here often?” 

I followed a falling star shooting across the wide expanse of open sky above. I closed my eyes and made that same wish I have been making for as long as I could remember. I felt Ralof trace swirling patterns on the back of my hand, the callouses he sported from handling all sort of weaponry every day since being a teenager rough on my soft elven skin, but not uncomfortably so. He was careful, I noticed, careful to do and say the right things, not to do anything that might shatter what had slowly been building between the two of us. As if he wanted to make entirely sure that he was doing the right thing, it took a long time until he answered.

“Not any more, unfortunately. Years ago, when Frodnar was still little, I used to come here with him quite often. To allow Gerdur and Hod a few private hours at times.” He paused, looking up at the stars dreamily as if he were seeing the olden times again, coming up here in happy daylight, spending some time with his cherished nephew, playing games and forgetting the worldly sorrows that seemed so far away in this peaceful place.

“That sounds nice”, I offered. 

He sighed and continued: “Yeah, it was. Since I have become involved in Ulfric´s revolution though, things have changed. I am barely home any more, traveling from camp to camp all over Skyrim. Most of my spare time I spend in Windhelm, with all the others. Furthermore, Frodnar is not a child any longer and lately has plenty of other things in his head too, to keep himself occupied… Without needing his boring uncle to distract him. Much as I tried to prevent it, we have started to grow apart.”

“Like what?”, I asked, almost sure what the answer would be.

“Do you really wanna know?”, Ralof asked with a shrewd grin on his lips, making his whole and open face change as soon as the hint of laughter touched its edges, smoothing the hard rims and ridges over with something more fragile and breakable. I only arched my eyebrows in response. “Well, naturally boys his age – and far beyond that age, if my personal experiences are any experiences to go by – have only two things they constantly revolve about.”

“I have a distinct feeling, I know exactly what your next words are gonna be,” I murmured.

“Girls and weapons,” Ralof continued, smiling for real now. “Or in most cases, preferably both.”

„That conforms with my experiences,“ I said, musing.

„Hm, only disadvantage for little Frodnar is: There is only one single girl his age for miles and miles around, and she has been his closest friend since they were babies. Also, she has quite distinct ideas about whom to marry and to be with for the rest of her life, and it is definitely not Frodnar. So, there’s not much he can do there. And my sister forbids him to use any weaponry other than an axe to split the firewood, so that´s also no lucrative branch of pubertish activity. He has to find some other kind of vent. So, at some point he has decided to spend his spare time causing as much mischief as he can manage.“ He drifted off slowly and continued staring into the night sky. I laughed, pitying little Frodnar at least a little bit, knowing how hard it was to be a teenager, wanting to show the world what you could do, what you grew to be capable of, but still being refrained and reined in by stern and none-understanding parents. But then, my thoughts wandered and drifted off and I felt myself wonder.

“And you?”, I couldn’t help but ask, suddenly serious again. 

“What about me?”, Ralof wanted to know, mirroring my thoughtful expression, eyes sparkling animatedly in the dark.

“Are these the same things etched in your mind?” I didn’t know if it was the right place or the right time to ask this and I couldn’t think of a better way to breach this question I had wanted to ask for quite some time now, feeling uncomfortable as soon as the words had left my lips. Maybe it was too early to talk about things like that. Had I destroyed everything? Ralof´s hands – which had kept moving throughout this whole conversation – stilled and he propped himself up on one elbow to look directly into my eyes. What did he see in there, I wondered? 

“Well, you know I like weapons. Well enough to earn my living with them. So I guess, this is you asking me if I harvest any feelings for a girl somewhere. That right?” Now it was his time to arch his eyebrows at me, musing.

“I thought… But… no, forget about it. It was a stupid question.“ I shook my head, cursing my stupidity for the third time this evening. Would it never stop?

„No,“ he said and shook his head minutely. „No, it’s not. You want to know about me. So you ask. It wasn´t a stupid question. Ask.“

„Well, okay… Back in Helgen, you told us about a girl you knew there, intimately, and I just wondered what exactly the words ‘being sweet on her‘ really meant to you…“ I still didn’t know how to put this, how to ask what I wanted to know without hurting his delicate feelings. „I don´t know how to say this properly, but… you talk about women, once in a while, yet here you are, with me, and I just wondered –“

Fortunately though, he interrupted me immediately and put his index fingers on my lips calmly. I stopped speaking at once and waited for his judgement to fall and for a verdict to be passed on me. Would he cast me out, never wanting to see me again? Was he angry maybe? Disappointed, even? Taking me completely by surprise, he simply leaned forward and pressed his soft lips on mine. He tasted of the food and wine we had had earlier and of sweet apples (his favourite fruit) underneath, gracious and pleasant and as innocent as ever. He supported his body weight on both arms, propped up on the musty ground to the left and right of my shoulders and made no secret about how exactly he felt and what it was that he wanted. His lips moved slowly and longingly, finally parting mine, and he gently explored my mouth with his tongue. Pleasant shivers of desire and passion flowed through my whole body, shaking my entire skeleton in its wavering foundations, the feeling wandering down from Ralof’s sparking lips, through my heart, my lungs, my entire frame all the way down to the tips of my toes. I had quite forgotten how alive simply kissing could make you feel.

“Was that an acceptable answer?”, he asked when we broke apart some considerable time later, both of us rather breathless.

“I think”, I whispered, “I could be persuaded to get used to you responding to me like that all the time.” Upon which I arched up, took hold of his angular face in both hands, and we repeated our former exercise a few more times, getting better and better and more familiar with each other every single time.

“What about you?”, Ralof asked eventually and pulled back just enough for the star-speckled sky to become visible again for me, which had been blocked out before by Ralof’s broad shoulders hovering right above me. He nestled up against my side, following my glance into the night sky which had just started to sport truly amazingly illuminated polar lights. “Have you ever been… with girls?”

“No,” I confessed and was surprised by how easy it was to confide in him. Usually I was – even more than most ordinary Bosmer – quite wary at best and almost distrustful at worst, being very cautious as to the relation of highly private information to anyone I did not know closely enough, not wanting to be vulnerable or prone to be blackmailed by anyone just because I accidentally let slip some detailed and personal information I had not originally planned to disclose. Therefore – and by leading a rather secluded life as a mercenary, free to be hired by anyone able to afford my services – I did not know how relieving it could feel to have someone you can disburden your heart to. Someone you can share your sorrows with and trust till the end of time and who listens to you without any hidden agenda. Imperceptibly, Ralof had started to be such a person for me and unconsciously, my need to finally be with someone had enhanced, to have a friend and possibly even a lover I could completely be myself with, without having to wonder what others might think or how I have to feign something I was not, just in order to fit into what most people thought of as being normal. Being me, I knew out of ample personal experience that there was no such uniform thing as normal, even though most of the narrow-minded folks of this continent we were living on couldn’t be trusted to be aware of that. “No girls for me”, I continued, stroking his bare arms haltingly, playing with the fingers of his hand. „Not one.“

Ralof drew a deep breath. “So you didn’t have to… to try… to be sure?”, he asked and under his perfectly crafted front of conversational ease, I got a small glimpse of what vulnerability and fathomless unease lay beyond his seemingly impenetrable surface. How he longed for someone who would understand him, who would not mark him off as a weirdo just for being different from most others, being frowned upon and shunted by his pity people; and all that, just because he liked men instead of girls. There was nothing wrong with him there, I knew that, and even though the wood elves were usually quite tolerant about these matters in theory, I myself knew exactly what Ralof must have been going through all these years, having been brainwashed into thinking there was something profoundly wrong with him. Not being able to be the man he was, and to love the way he wanted to, had the potential to destroy even the strongest of characters. I felt a deep longing exuding from him and felt myself wanting to be there for him. Listening to his fears and concerns as much as he listened to mine, holding and comforting him if need be and simply being there for him when he needed me most.

“No,” I said once again. “I knew from the beginning who I was; what I was.” Images from my childhood and my early teens flashed before my inner eye then; images I had successfully banned from my memory and had thought harmless by the passing of the years, sending sudden chills through me. For Ralof not to notice, I continued quickly: “Though of course my family insisted I marry a highborn elven-lady. They even picked a bride for me. Arranged marriages are not at all uncommon in all elven societies, especially in such big tribes as ours. My brothers all got married that way. She was of noble blood, a good match for someone from my line – and if nothing else matters, the bloodline is seen as paramount in every Bosmer-society. She was supposed to ‚fix‘ me, as my father put it. If things were different, she wouldn’t have been half bad, really. She was quite nice and funny, affable, beautiful even. But unfortunately not beautiful enough for me…” 

My voice trailed off and I wondered if I had maybe said too much already, burdening Ralof with my past even though we did not even have a proper relationship yet, and maybe never would.

“What happened?”, he asked softly.

“I ran away,” I answered simply. “Left behind everything and everyone I ever knew and became what I am now. A hunter, a soldier, a warrior… I haven’t been to Valenwood since, and, knowing what will await me there, I should probably never return to these forests again.“

“I am sorry,” said Ralof, reaching across and taking my hand, squeezing his support.

“Don’t be”, I answered, responding the press of his hands. “It´s been an awfully long time ago. No need to brood over it.” I shrugged. “There was nothing holding me there. Besides, if I hadn’t run from home, I would probably still be stuck around there, unhappily married by now and unable to get my wife with child. There is nothing more dishonourable for an elf. I would never have come to Skyrim. And I would never have met you here. So, I guess all of it was worth my while for finally being here with you now.”

It was quiet for a long time, such a long time that I frankly even began to wonder if he had fallen asleep next to me, following my sad story. I listened to the crickets singing their tireless song of chirping and chirring, thinking about what would happen – what could happen – if Ralof turned out to requiet the feelings I had for him. It was almost too much to hope for. I watched the world in starlight and noticed that I was almost prepared to tell him how I felt, that I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life – or at least the rest of his life – with no one else but him. Almost. But remembering then, what had happened the last time I had put that much trust in someone I loved, placing a deadly weapon almost as mortal as a sharply pointed sword in another one’s hands, I checked myself and kept quiet. Words sometimes held more power than the deadliest sword or best bow in the world, and other than with daggers, you could both build and destroy so much with such a puny little amount of well-aimed words. And I did not want to destroy Ralof’s liking for me by pressuizing him into saying something he maybe didn’t really feel, with such a big and binding statement so early in our common history. Maybe he would feel that I wanted to influence him or hurry him along when placing the ball in his court that demonstratively. And hurrying him, or even hurting him through it, really was the very last thing on earth I wanted to do. So, I’d wait for him to open up further and would let both of us take our time.

Then, Ralof heaved a sigh and said: “Thank you for telling me, Haithabu. I know, talking about these things can be hard. Well, it is for me, anyways. But I for one, have to confess: I am very glad that you are here with me today.” He made as if to say something else and I waited patiently, swallowing my doubts and becoming surer every minute, that Ralof could be the right one, could be the choice I was waiting to go for. That he could finally be the one bringing me the much-craved peace and distributing the salvation my family had so long denied me of. He seemed to have made up his mind finally, in favour of something or other and he breathed softly as he cocked his head back in order to be able to look at me directly. 

„I like you a lot, Haithabu. I really do. I am glad about everything that lead to this day. About every event that made our paths cross. I know I cannot always express my feelings like that, but I want you to know it is the truth.“

Before I could respond anything, our lips collided again and he was kissing me ten times more passionate and uninhibitedly than ever before. Where his kisses had been soft and gentle before, I felt hot lava melting on my lips now, his kisses straightforward and fiery. He was clearly no expert in kissing, but instead of highly qualified skills or practised technique, he just put everything he possessed into it, baring his heart for me to look right into it, letting me lead him into the right direction and gladly accepting my subtle guidance. I felt myself stir and was moaning his name between breaths by the time he let go of me. He sat up straight all of a sudden, releasing me from a tight embrace rather abruptly and hastily turned away. I needed a few attempts of clearing my throat before my shaking breath could form the coherent words I wanted it to shape. My mind was still spinning wildly, all sort of thoughts fluttering around in my brain agitatedly, utterly flummoxed by what deep-reaching passions this man had awoken in me tonight.

“What is it?”, I asked, suddenly afraid again should I have hurt him without even noticing how and why. “What´s wrong?” 

“It´s just – It’s…“, he began, taking some deep breaths to calm himself. I did not know if I should be pleased or not by the fact that he was out of breath almost as much as I was. But he cut himself off again almost instantly, quite obviously not entirely sure how to explain what it was that troubled him so. Even in the dim light cast upon him by the softly fluorescent aurora, I noticed his cheeks turning a bright shade of red before he turned around completely, hiding his face from my view entirely. 

„Ralof, what happened? What’s wrong? Whatever it is, please, just tell me,“ I pleaded. „I’ll understand.“

“I… It’s just- I… I have never been with a man before. Have never ever slept with one… I… dont really know what I am doing here.” Now that he seemed to have mustered his courage, the words tumbled out of him in a rush, almost stumbling over each other in a desperate attempt to hurry this embarrassing statement from deep inside of him and finally revealing his biggest secret. He didn’t look at me at all as I stretched and came to sit up next to him. I put a tentative hand between his broad shoulder blades, causing him to jump slightly and then lean away from my touch altogether. Puzzled, I didn’t know how to react, not sure what to do next.

„Ra“, I whispered, referring to him with this pet name for the first time ever, though I had called him like that in the privacy of my most intimate thoughts before. He hunched his shoulders, closing me out both physically and emotionally. „It’s not a big deal. Don’t worry yourself. It really is okay.“ 

These sounded like empty platitudes, but I did not know what else to say, wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear, what I could say that would help him, make him feel better. I had never been particularly good in things like that, empathizing in other persons and emphatically giving them well-meant encouragement. That was one of the main reasons why I chose to become a hunter and mercenary so many years ago, rather than a bard or healer or anything where you had to interact closely with countless strangers every day. I was a loner much more than a man of society. A reliable horse and one’s familiar weapons were so infinitely easier companions on an isolated night’s camp, far far away from any civilized abodes and annoying human beings, never asking questions, never questioning any of my actions or decisions. Only, Ralof was not one of these annoying and exasperating strangers I usually worked so hard to avoid, but had grown close to me over the course of the past few months of rebellious battle. And what was more, I really and sincerely cared about him very strongly. 

He was still not looking at me when he squeezed the next words out from between clenched teeth as if they were torturing him: „It’s easy for you to say that. You are so much more experienced in this than me. I feel so stupid. I could never be who I really was before. You’d think Nords in general and Stormcloaks in particular are open-minded, but far from it. This is my first date ever. After you asked me to go out with you last week, I was completely stunned. I had waited all my life for an opportunity like that to come and yet, I was equally terrified immediately. I really like you very, very much. I wanted to do everything right, but I actually do not even know what in Talos‘ name I am doing at all and I just… it’s just… this isn’t easy for me…“

“You don’t have to be ashamed of that”, I said quietly. I was relieved to hear that I hadn’t unconsciously mortified him in some way. I was also immensely relieved that he told me quite directly what was bothering him. At least, he was honest. Everything was and would be so much easier that way. And I was relieved and happy about him confessing his doubts to me. That way, we’d be able to work it out together. If he still wanted to, that was. When I laid my hand on his shoulders again, trying to soothe and express my understanding, this time he let me and I relaxed slowly. “And you don’t have to be afraid either,“ I assured him, caressing affectionately. His frame was still stressed and tense, the breaths still coming in ragged gasps as if – despite my reassurance – he actually was still afraid, dreading what may come next. I just wanted to let him know that this confession, together with his vulnerability, endeared him even more to me and I would like to do nothing more than take him into my arms, hold him, love him. But seeing him struggling like that, I knew this would not be a good idea. Devoid of anything innovative I could think of – anything good at all – „It’s okay“ was all that I said once again.

Ralof shook his head. „No… No, it’s not. I am sorry. Sorry to burden you with all of that. You don’t deserve that. I am sorry. It would be okay if you felt like leaving.“

It almost tore at my heart to see what Ralof had to go through. „Of course I will not leave. I care about you too, Ralof, I really do, and I see no reason whatsoever why I should want to leave. And I won’t. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t experience all of this together. It may be a sequence of firsts for you, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot make it a worthwhile experience for both of us.“

„You do?“, he asked, incredulous. „Like me, I mean?“

„Yes,“ I said. „Yes, I do. Why else would I have wanted to go out with you in the first place? I think you are very cute.“ And I did. I only wasn’t sure if it was particularly wise to say it like this, now. When I still wasn’t entirely sure what this really meant to me. I felt some of his unease flee, part of the tension seep out in a slow exhale of breath. He tried a shaky laugh, trying to cover his embarassment and nervousness, still not looking at me or meeting my eyes, but at least I hoped the worst was eventually over. 

“Well…,” he said, awkwardly. “This is probably the weirdest first date ever, right?“ 

„It surely scores among the top three with me,“ I said, glad that he was easing up again. 

„Only three? What were the other two?“

„I am pretty positive you don’t wanna know,“ I replied and was truly relieved when he smiled along with me softly. Still a little agonized, but a smile it was all the same. „Just remember that, whatever you may think, however nice they may be, make sure you never date an Argonian or a Khajiit. I can assure you, no matter their looks, this probably wont end well for neither of you.“

„Okay... But one last thing, Tabu“, he began again, using a pet name for the first time as well, „I am sorry to have ruined this date for you. You surely thought this evening would go differently. I am sorry if I cannot live up to your expectations.“

“But…” I longed to reassure him with a profundity almost tearing at the edges of my heart, meanwhile reaching out again to comfort him. “You did not ruin anything. We don’t need to rush anywhere. We can take our time. We´ll take all the time you want. All the time you need. If it´s all right with you, it´s all right with me.”

„It’s just that I have never felt the way I feel about you any time before. Not ever… And I am confused and, and…. I just don’t know what is expected of me. I don’t know what to believe any more. I do not want to disappoint you.“ He finally turned around to face me again and I saw that his eyes were almost brimming with emotion. „All my life I have been told that it was only ever right to have these feelings for women. Every time I looked at a boy the wrong way, my father was quick to take the cane to me. I grew up in the belief that I was sick, that there is something profundly wrong with me... I came to hate myself for being different… And now I have found… you, and… I don´t know what to do. I just don’t know anything any more.”

„Oh, Ra,” I whispered and could not restrain myself any longer. I reached around him and pulled him close. We sat like this for a long time, two men together on a lonely hilltop in the middle of the night, hugging each other tight, comforting each other.

“It´s late,” Ralof mumbled finally and disengaged from the embrace, quickly shaking off and winding out of my hands hastily. “We should probably get going, head home.” 

He didn’t look at me as he began to gather up the remnants of our supper and the now empty skin of wine hurriedly. He threw them into the wicker basket much more heedlessly than he had taken them out before, not paying any notice if something crumbled or broke. I got up quickly to help him fold the blanket, but he avoided catching my eyes skillfully and didn’t seem eager to start a new conversation. If only I could assure him that his former hard-felt confession did nothing to diminish or lessen my feelings for him in the least – on the contrary, if anything, it seemed to even strengthen my emotions for him – if only I could break through his defences once and for all, could make him see that what he thought was so stunted or messed up in his soul, was nothing bad at all. I wanted to reassure him, to clarify that none of what he had told me made me uncomfortable or made me want to hold off. Now more than ever did I want to be there for him, did I want to hold him, did I want to experience all these strange new feelings and emotions with and for him for the very first time, no matter how often I myself had already done them. But I couldn´t show him these delicate musings of intense protectiveness, as that would as sure hurt his feelings as it would to call him names or some such, I was sure of that. After all, as well as a gentle kisser and a probably very considerate and passionate lover, and despite having a soft and sensitively vulnerable soul deep down inside of him, he was a fighter and a ruthless warrior in the first and foremost place and mostly acted like one as well. He was a proud Nord, for whom pride and honour were the highest credos and the most important moral standards to live by. And Ra´s pride as well as the traditional codex of his people, as indelibly etched in his mind as in the minds of everyone living in nordic Skyrim, forbade him to appear weak, to open up to anyone and to share his deepest and most private feelings, because all Nords, all of Ysgramor´s noble descendants, are supposed to keep all distracting emotions at bay at all times, bottle them up deep down inside, away from their ofttimes emotionally cold and controlled minds, in order not to distract them in their fight for freedom, purity and family and their holy cause to reach Sovngarde and sit at the high table, straining for redemption besides their hero of all times, the pure and powerful Ysgramor himself. And even though Ralof was far from your average Nord, he sure was raised by this stark philosophy, his actions and decisions based upon these simple but solemn truths. And what little vulnerability remained after this, his honour quenched, what with that religion he grew up with, for not wanting to appear weak. There was nothing I could do, even though I myself – as an elf – would have loved to show my feelings much more openly and talk things out thoroughly, but instead, I silently worried my lips and we sunk into a glum silence, neither of us knowing what to say, neither of us knowing how to talk to the other to properly express our feelings in a manly fashion.

∞∞∞

„Haithabu, wait!” 

Ralof reached out, just as I eventually turned to begin the descent back down into Riverwood in front of him, his hands first brushing, then closing around my elbow, holding me back, holding me there. I turned around to look at him. The picnic supplies were all gone, we had packed what was left of it into the wicker basket Ra had brought up here, though there was still a palpable indendation in the grass where Ralof’s soft blanket had smoothed the earth, flattening the grassblades in a big circle, right in the middle of the big ring of ancient stones. I looked into his eyes and tried to find out what he wanted to say. We were all set to go back to town, go our separate ways. I wondered if I would ever see him again, if he even still wanted to, after what we had just talked about. I had liked this evening with him, had liked us talking completely uninhibitedly, apart from prying eyes and curiously condemning stares, had rejoiced when he had decided to confide in me, had truly loved us kissing, us touching, me being with him when I had had a crush on him since the very first day I met him. Sometimes, I still found it quite hard to believe that he could requiet my feelings. I definitely wanted to see him again, in fact, it felt as though I had found my soul mate in him at long last and I never ever wanted to leave again. But I was not so sure about him. I searched his face, but it didn´t give a clue as to a definite answer for that. I struggled, but noticed I couldn´t even determine if he had actually liked this evening or not. I took a deep breath.

„Ralof?“ I formed a quiet question and tried not to be too anxious about his reply. I failed. „What is it?“

He hesitated a long time, not letting go of me with his hand, and eventually shrugged his shoulders. „I don´t want the evening to end like this,“ he whispered finally, suddenly not looking at me directly any more, averting his eyes as if still unsure about everything. 

I jubilated inside, but tried not to let it show too much. „Me neither,“ I answered in honesty. „I had a great time.“

„You did?“ He looked surprised. He relaxed his tense shoulders and laughed nervously when I nodded. „So, I didn´t freak you out too much?“

Now it was my turn to smile and I reached out affectionately to stroke a finger across his slightly stubbly cheek. I searched his eyes and we just stared at each other for a very long time. 

„No. Never. You couldn‘t. I like you exactly the way you are. Besides, you were not doing such a bad job at all. You are just nervous, I get that, but so am I. That’s not a bad thing. After all, this is a date.“

His cheeks coloured adorably but he still didn´t pull away from my touch. „I had a good time too. It’s just… You are so much more experienced in this than me and I don´t want to put you off. I don´t want to do anything stupid or wrong, I don´t want…“ He stopped, trailing off. „I don´t know.“

„I am not that experienced myself,“ I answered and moved to cup both his cheeks. His arms came up around my shoulders as if by a will of their own and we were so close together I could feel his ribcage move when he breathed. „But don´t worry, we’ll get there. And frankly, so far, you were doing perfectly fine.“

„You think so?“, he asked, surprised again.

„I most certainly do. After all, who says we can’t learn? Gather some experience together?“

„I feel so stupid, so foolish. Like I am back to being the little boy I once was, confused and unsure about everything. I wouldn´t have thought you’d understand.“

„I can relate,“ I said warmly, stroking his face gently. „But you’ll learn. Together, we’ll learn. Just do what feels right.“

His eyes lit up and he increased the pressure of his embrace, making me feel warm, making me feel loved. „What feels right to you?“, he asked in a hushed whisper, though he knew the answer to that as well as I did. I smiled as I pulled his face down and brushed his lips against mine. 

„How about… that?“, I whispered back and before I could say knife we were kissing again, bodies pressed together hotly. It took only a fraction of a minute for the kiss to deepen and I opened my mouth for him. I was reeling, too happy by far to consciously register my luck, and leaned fully into his kisses. My world was spinning and tumbling exuberantly all around me and it seemed that only Ralof – only pressing myself tighter and more desperate against him and kissing him harder than ever – seemed to be able to fix me, fix my loudly pounding heart, fix my quieting worries and fears. By his strong arms alone was I anchored to the earth of the ground we were standing on, overgrown with thick grass and sweetly scented mountain flowers blazing all colors of the rainbow, even the dark of night and the fickle light of the moons not able to blot out their splendor, their sheer magnificent radiance. Of course, it was equally likely that the possibility of loving Ralof just made me see the whole world in entirely different colors, giving brightness and a divine shine to my surroundings and everything and everyone I could see. It seemed, only touching and kissing Ralof was able to keep me moored to this life and existence, to keep me alive; I craved him so much right now, I wanted to get ever closer, so that´s exactly what I did. Otherwise, I would probably have lost myself in a crush of turbulent and overwhelming feelings.

I stroked his back and slid my hands under his tunic of linen, rucking the shirt up over his smooth stomach and experienced the soft skin beneath. The rough fabric of the tunic was a stark contrast to the tender flesh beneath, and the hard but even muscles arching over Ra’s shoulders moved slowly under my touch. My endeavours seemed not only to be quickening my own breath and heartrate, but also to fill Ralof with the necessary confidence to go through with it, to go on at all, and I felt some of his former tension flee, dissolving in this storm of passion between us. He seemed to relax further and further and finally wrapped his arms around me tightly, crushing my doubts about this romance once and for all between his big hands. They were caressing me tenderly, yet befitting a true warrior. Lanky, strong, sexy. Knowing this was his first time ever with another man, probably his first time ever proper at all, I wanted to be extra careful and especially gentle with him, guiding him, reassuring him, loving him. I let my own hands wander freely over his fit body, slipping them under his rucked shirt again, feeling the soft curve of his neck, partially obscured by thick tangles of his lovely blonde hair, the tight strands of hard muscles wired all around his athletic body, the muscles working and heaving under my fingertips whenever Ralof moved ever so slightly, and last but not least I discovered his broad back, crisscrossed and marked all over with slim lines and little scars speaking of uncountable battles won and the glory of fighting for his country, for Ulfric, his king.

After standing in the peaceful, silent glade for a seemingly long time – afterwards, I couldn’t say if it were mere minutes or whole seasons passing by, while we stood there, kissing slowly but deliberately, completely oblivious to our surroundings, noticing and feeling nothing but each other – I was positive that I had never felt as good before as I did now, in this very moment. Not in my entire life. I was kissing Ralof with everything I got, not holding back any more and finally letting my passions flow uninhibitedly all throughout me, before they could make me drown in my love for this special person. Eventually, I moved to pull off Ralof´s tunic and he let me, moaning quietly into my shoulder in the process and my own linen shirt soon followed suit, landing in a tangled heap on a gnarled tree trunk to our right. We ambled towards the remnants of the picnic slowly, the spot on the grass where the blanket had lain, the grass pre-flattened and smooth and still warm to the touch, never so much as disentangling from each other´s embrace once, never letting go of the other for more than split seconds. 

His lips felt hot on mine, like molten lava, my edgy nerves jumping each time a connection was made. Affectionate and considerate kisses interfered with and were alternated by intense and fierce ones. I could feel the deep passion beneath, roiling under his surface and making my own blood boil. I cupped Ralof´s cheeks and made him kiss me harder and harder and I just never ever wanted to do anything else again than to just love him. I never wanted to let go of him again and likewise, I never wanted him to let go of me neither. Having him pressed to me, with not a single atom to fit between us, I could feel every inch of his hot body move against mine and loving him seemed to be the natural order of things and the only right thing to do in this world. I never, never wanted to leave Ralof ever again. And suddenly – quite unprepared for it as I was – the realization hit me: That I have waited all these seemingly endless years of my life just for Ralof to cross my path and for him to enter into my world. That Ralof indeed was the one true love I have been waiting for for such an endlessly long time and whom I could and would never dare to hurt. Not now, not ever. And in this very moment, in the confined spaces of my passionate conscience, I vowed to love him with all my heart, with everything I had, to love him like he deserved it. Like both of us deserved it. I wanted to be his chosen lover, the truest and most reliable companion he could wish for and I realized further now, what I hadn’t been able to quite grasp before: That I would rather die myself than have any woe or misery befall him and I promised myself never to let him down or cause him any unhappiness, as long as I lived to prevent it.

We finally reached the fussy and cosily comfortable mould we had formerly been eating in, Ralof lowering himself onto the grassy floor, pulling me down on top of him, me pinning his strong body down beneath my own, much lither one, as we continued to kiss and to love. Slowly, I felt him growing ever more confident as he in turn began to explore my body, gently brushing his callused hands over my bare skin, sending fiery tendrils of desire through my entire frame, touching every single nerve cell in me and causing me to cringe, groaning deep down in my throat. It had been ages – almost too long to remember clearly now – since the touch of another man had truly touched me in quite this way and I felt not only my fleshly body but also my whole immortal soul respond to it immediately. For the first time ever, I felt a breath-taking sense of totality, losing myself completely in Ralof´s arms and giving myself in to this whole new experience. Never have I ever loved like this before. His lips were on mine, like flaring fire on frozen ice, finally giving warmth, finally giving life to a part of me I had half believed to be extinct, after years upon years of abstinence and of neglect. After years of deprivation, his love felt like the drug I needed to be whole again. He pulled at my hair as his tongue moved in my mouth, his fingers brushing my highly-sensitive ears, and I shivered from the sheer pleasure of feeling him so close, of being with him eventually, of lying with him, of finally doing what I had dreamed about for months since I had first met him, back in Helgen. He had seemed incredibly attractive and handsome even then, this affection having mounted steadily till now to real and profound love and heavy sexiness, as I had slowly but surely got to know him better and had learned to deeply care for that shy and introvertedly considerate man currently lying beneath me. And now, I had fallen in love with him for good.

His hands moved down my sides, stroking my chest, my ribs, my waist with strong fingers, closing them around my hips firmly as he arched his back up and pulled me down towards him at the same time, our private parts meeting and pressing into each other pleasantly for the very first time, causing me to cry out Ra’s name in lustful delight. We repeated that a few more times, and when Ra had his eyes closed and groaned loudly, his entire, muscular ribcage trembling in anticipation under my hands, I pulled back, ceased kissing his lips for a moment, my mouth starting to peck a gentle line across his face instead, along the broadly angular curve of his cheekbone, down to his vulnerable throat – which made him whimper in mounting desire – over and across his collarbone, sucking the skin into my mouth determinedly to leave fresh red marks standing out against the rest of his evenly golden tan – steadily down in more or less of a straight line towards his hardening nipples. He sighed and pressed himself into me as soon as I touched them, swirling languid circles around his softest spots with the tip of my tongue, his hands coming around me and closing about my behind and our loincloths touched again, this time both of us as excited as we’d ever get. I followed the hard lines and the flowing ridges of the muscles on his stomach, kissing all his abs separately, following his physique with my lips, tracing his pure essence, down to where a soft and barely visible patch of dark blonde hair lead downwards in a straight line from his navel to just below the mellow white loincloth, hiding in their white sheen what I craved of him so much right now. I hesitated briefly, not sure how he would take it – if he would like it – then gently nibbled the soft flesh just where his navel ended, pressing kisses on the lightly freckled skin all around and painting swirling lines on the skin of the round indendation in the middle of his flat stomach with my fingers. Ra jumped in surprise and started to chuckle as he grabbed my hand, preventing me from doing it again.  
„Stop,“ he giggled, very unlike him.

„What?“ I raised my eyebrows at him and spontaneously erupted in wild laughter myself. I asked playfully and traced my index finger around the small indendation slowly. He shivered. „Give me one good reason why I should.“

He cuckled again, uninhibitedly. „It tickles,“ he panted and, interlacing our fingers closely, he pulled my hand away, bringing it to his mouth instead, where he started to kiss every single finger in a row. 

I liked feeling his warm breath on my cool skin, liked the tingle his lips left, wherever they touched me. Ralof stared deep into my eyes, before his hands moved along my back, sparking fire all the way down my spine and around my waist, enclosing my hips in a firm grasp while kissing an electrifying line along my collarbone. His hands came around and reached my thighs, hesitated for only the shortest blink of an eye before moving on. He caressed gently, crept upwards sluggishly and continued to stroke gingerly as we kissed deeply, ever moving upwards, slowly but steadily, always upwards, upwards until…

I gasped loudly, biting down hard on his lower lip, all the while relishing this new swell of profound feelings, letting them wash over me, the waves crashing into each other over my head and immediately, I wanted more. Wanted him! I was taken aback by how such a simple gesture from him could make me feel so good, so different from all the other times I had made love to anyone before, and how it could set free such huge amounts of desire, running lose wildly inside the too-tightly confined walls of my hypersensitive brain. Ralof let up for a moment, quietly fixing me with an intent stare out of his steel-blue eyes which I loved as much as anything else about him and which seemed to spark from the inside out, now being a little but sexy shade darker than usual, want seemingly taking its toll on him as well, clouding his eyes with an impassionate veil. Our next kiss broke apart as we tasted blood in our mouths. I must have split his lip harder than I originally thought. He was surprised. In a sudden relapse back into insecurity he whispered worriedly: 

“Did I… Did I do something wrong?”

In that particular moment, for this sensitive show of consideration, of his own vulnerability and the lack of any pretence, I loved him even more. I took a moment to catch my breath, it coming in ragged gasps from all the passionate kissing we had been doing, and simply continued to watch him a little bit longer with a (hopefully) even glance, but inwardly, I smiled. Something wrong? For from it, my love, I wanted to reassure him, far from it…

But “No… No, you didn’t do anything wrong at all”, was all I said, before encouraging him to continue. On the contrary.

He let his breath out relieved and took me by surprise once again as he boldly took the initiative and rolled over, placing himself on top of me. He was bigger than I was – if only by mere inches – but also considerably broader and muscular in build and I could feel the weight of his body resting on top of me, pressing me down into the soft down of the flattened grass and moss of the glade’s soft floor beneath my back. The crickets resumed their chirping, the nightbirds their respective songs and the owls their characteristic hooting, nothing breaking their colorful cacaphony. Ra and I were in the very middle of it, two aliens in a landscape not their own, yet strangely but also quite naturally a part of the eternal dance, part of the peaceful night. He was not fat or even heavyset, he just had a lot of muscles from a life as a mercenary sword fighter, and this sort of lifestyle showed in his physique. Not, that I minded. On the contrary, I liked having something that pleasant to look at. And despite him being bigger than me, it did not feel unpleasant. Though his lanky warrior’s frame was heavy on my smaller bones, he rested the majority of his weight on his elbows to the left and right of my shoulders, considerably easing the pressure, considerate and conscientious as always. I could feel his every muscle tingle with neigh boundless energy, which seemed to transfer itself directly onto the ends of my own nerves that were already buzzing with excitement and sending a rush of blood very much not into my brain.

His kisses and movements grew hotter and hotter and more passionate by the minute and soon I reached the point where I thought the both of us were ready to go on, ready to take things slightly farther, to take the final step, to make men out of both of us. Before I did anything rash tough, in order not to hurt his delicate confidence or even – the gods forbid – revert him back into his former insecurity and self-loathing, I looked up into his seething eyes, hovering mere centimeters above me. It took me immeasurable self-control to surcease of him right now. It seemed to be against the natural course of things. 

„Ra,“ I breathed. „Are you sure about this? Is this what you really want?“ I couldn‘t be more sure about what it was that I really wanted, but before going on I needed to be entirely sure that it was also Ralof‘s heart’s desire and that he wouldn´t regret anything later. 

„Yes. It is what I want.“ 

His voice came out as barely more than a hoarse whisper, choked by passion and overwhelming emotions. Glad to know that he wanted me as much as I wanted him, we switched positions again and continued, kissing deeply, loving self-destructively. Hooking my fingers through the knot with which the underwear was fastened about his broad hips, I tried to keep a clear head as I shot a last glance up towards where Ra’s face – eyes reverently closed – glowed bright in the twinkling starlight and I took his quickening moans of encouragement, intercepted only by whispered sighs of my newly created pet-name, as animation enough to keep going, to undo the last piece of clothing that remained separating our entire selves from each other and discarded it quickly with an offhand flick of my wrist. Too caught up by what I was seeing, by what I was feeling, to take care of what became of it in the dark of night, I threw it away distractedly, into the general direction of our pants and shirts and other clothing attire. I didn´t notice where it landed.

„That okay?“, I probed, as I wrapped a warm hand about him and just held him there, just let him get used to the feeling and get comfortable with me. Ralof panted in agreement, as I slipped my other hand in between his legs and caressed him softly. His reaction to my touch was instantaneous and even more violent than my reaction to his hands mere minutes before. He jerked and groaned loudly and passionately, the trembling sounds erupting from deep inside his throat making his ribcage shake under my fingertips with the oscillating reverberations of his deepest feelings. 

He was clearly at least as excited as I was and I felt his fingers shake in slight trepidation as they came to rest on the front of my breeches. Another minitous glance and a crooked smile from me gave him the reassurance he needed, Ra’s eyes giving me the permission and the encouragement to continue in turn. Encouragements he could no longer form into coherent words, though, because his agitated breath only came in excited gasps. The fiery kisses were taking both of our breaths away and rendered every verbal communication impossible for now. Yes, his eyes seemed to plead instead, yes, go on! Then we huddled against each other even harder and let the natural order of things run its course. I had him exactly where I wanted him pretty soon, and stopped my ministrations to shift and put my body in the right position for the next step. He groaned my name loudly, eyes still closed, hands never leaving my hips, my waist, my certain other things. „Ra?“, I asked hoarsely, spreading his legs slowly, waiting for permission.

„Yes, Tabu. Do it. Please… Tabu…“ This invitation sounding like the sweetest music in my ears, he didn´t have to ask twice and I let out a langorous, trembling moan of my own as his feet closed about my back and I laid my hands against the protruding bones of his hips, pressing him down into the soft, mellow grass. The night was dark, though not too dark for either of our warrior’s eyes to see by and the wind rustled the long grass blades in a gentle breeze, cooling the heat coming off our bodies, yet not enough for me to feel cold or unpleasant. The stars were twinkling unobtrusively and the polar lights flashed across the night sky. I heard a distant wolf howl but in the immediate vicinity there was only peace. This moment was just too perfect, and nature all around seemed to agree with me readily.

There was a brief flash of pain crossing Ra’s sweet features when we started it, his formerly closed eyes suddenly flashing open at the unfamiliarity of the experience and worriedly seeking out mine, but I quickly nodded and caressed him tenderly to let him know it was okay, nibbling his earlobe to distract him and to reassure him it would get better. The realization that he had never done this before, had never done it like that before, and didn´t exactly know what to do now, what to expect and how to react, making me extra gentle and slow so as to provide him with as little discomfort as possible. The least I wanted to do was to hurt him. But after the initial surprise, the rest of it was pure pleasure, overwhelming joy, immense feeling and boundless love, all channelled in this one action of erotic affection towards each other. For long, infinitely sweet and immeasurably precious moments there was only Ralof for me. Ralof here, Ralof now, Ralof all over me. I lost myself in his coveted touch, in the feel of him, his hard and lean muscled body pressed tightly against mine, both of us moving in perfect harmony and unity with each other.

When I finally came, same as with everything else concerning Ralof, I was completely surprised by the depth of feelings welling up inside of me. He clearly felt the same, closing his eyes in satisfaction once more and burying his face in the crook of my neck, whispering my name again and again. I stroked the lines of his face, caressed his hair and most of the rest of his body and relished in this precious moment, savouring all of it, down to the smallest detail. It being a feeling I hadn´t experienced for much too long, I felt finally whole again.

∞∞∞

Afterwards, we lay there in the utter darkness – the polar lights had flickered out a long time ago and Skyrim was as dark and quiet as it would ever get. It had to be way past midnight by now. The soft bed of grass felt almost like luxury to me, as I usually just slept on a bare blanket in the wild, stones, old leaves and dust forming my most comfortable pallet. Ralof was also still wide awake next to me, neither of us able to think of sleep just now. He had his arm wound around me loosely as I rested my head in the crook of his shoulder, completely at ease, at peace with the world. I breathed in his scent deeply and closed my eyes.

„Wow“, I said, the one word barely enough to let him know what I felt, what he made me feel, to convey the depths of my emotions for him. The soft down of hair on his chest tingled my chin as I spoke.

„Wow?“, he echoed, bemused.

„That was… intense!“ I stated, curious as to what his reaction would be. Hoping, of course, that he felt the same, that he had indeed experienced something quite extraordinary there as well.

He sighed. But it was not an uncomfortable or an exasperated sigh, it was a content one, a sigh that indicated that Ra finally had come to terms with his feelings and had not only started to accept but also to embrace them. 

„It truly was. And it was way better than I ever imagined it could be. Not after… last time.“ I felt him shudder slightly and reached down to pull the warm fur blanket we had used as a picnic cloth and which lay in a tangled heap off to my left, over both of our naked bodies. It only reached to just over my navel, but that was better than nothing. The fur was made of rabbit’s down, unbelievably soft and smooth and I felt its mellow warmth spread through my cool limbs almost immediately. I shimmied closer to him, relishing in the warmth his nordic body exuded.

„The last time? I thought you hinted at it being the first time. So, you weren’t, you know,… a virgin?“ This time his reply took a lot longer to find its way onto the surface of his confidence and though I couldn´t see his face, he seemed to be ashamed of himself, cheeks probably colored bright red. In the dark, I felt for his hand lying flat on his other side and gently took hold of it. „It’s okay,“ I said. „You don´t have to tell me if you don´t want to.“

„No, it’s fine. I want to. You have a right to know. There was this girl, once,“ he finally confessed, albeit somewhat reluctant. Getting to terms with the fact that you were into men is one thing, living it and not being shy about showing it apparently another one entirely. Besides, Ra being Ra, I just knew that he did not like to talk about such intimate things at all if he had any say in it. I cherished his new-found trust in me as something precious and rare, knowing he didn’t usually tell every other guy he met of his deepest emotions and secret and heartfelt desires. So, I made myself as small and immobile as possible, neither wanting to disturb nor discourage him and just listened to the pleasant lilt of his dark and low voice, slightly inflected with the almost imperceptible, clipped accent so typical of all Northerners. 

„Her name was Igna and she was a ‚proper maid‘ as my father always said. She lived up in Helgen and I am sure today, that our fathers were definitely planning to marry the two of us one day from the very beginning. She even seemed to like me all right – or at least it seemed that way at first. In any case, she definitely eyed our family posessions with no small amount of greed, even though her family was far from poor themselves. Enough, anyways, so as to start a new advance on me every time we saw each other.“ He took some time to sum up his thoughts and then continued. His tone was one of distant remembrance, seemingly remote and untouched by the events, as if what he was telling me had happened to another guy altogether, but I could see past his facade to what lay underneath. I saw that what he told me was costing him most of his still available courage and that it had affected him more closely and seriously than he wanted to make me believe. He was probably only telling me his story at all, because I had told him mine earlier and he felt it was his duty to return this show of trust. Once again, I deeply felt for him. „I played my part at the beginning, feeling I owed it not only to my father, but to my entire family to make sure they were provided for, to make them happy. Also, I was confused, I wasn´t sure what was going on with me – what was wrong with me – but I was convinced it would change if only I tried hard enough to comply. But after a little while, the entire charade got really trying. I saw Igna as a friend, a close one, but nothing more. She wanted to have… to get serious. She told me she wanted her first child by the end of the following year at the latest. I panicked and told her I was not interested, but neither her nor our fathers wanted to hear anything about it. They had planned the rest of our lives together, without so much as asking me once.“

There was a long pause, long enough for me to wonder if he’d stopped on purpose. I decided not to press him, if he didn´t want to talk about it, I wouldn´t make him talk about it, even though I was curious where this story would lead to. He sighed, but before I could say anything, he continued. „You know,“ he said, „it is not a very nice story. I don´t want to bore you or ruin the mood. Maybe you don´t want to hear about it.“

„No,“ I answered quietly, „I mean, yes, I want to hear it. Everything concerning you, everything that has to do with you, is interesting to me. Provided, you still want to tell me. You don´t have to.“

„Okay. I do trust you,“ he said. „And I want to lay all cards on the table, I want you to know about this, about… well, about me.“ I traced a lazy finger over his bare chest, drawing swirling lines on the smooth skin and firm muscles there, I wanted to make him more comfortable, soothe him, make confiding in me as easy as possible.

„Thank you,“ I whispered affectionately. „Then please, do go on."

„One day, I came home from working the fields to find all three of them assembled around the table in our father’s house together. Gerdur had moved out and was married to Hod by then for few years already and even though his place was just down the road, it was usually just me and our father. I saw her only when I went to visit them there, my father being not the easiest person even at the best of times, so he did not have the best of relationships with neither my sister nor me. He was… just difficult, sometimes. I was surprised to see Igna and her father there, it was a day’s journey between our villages and I had had the impression that things between us were over. For good. I had told her I didn´t want to be with her, did not want to start a family with her, and that was that for me. My father, though, made me sit down and we were soon talking about marrying, having kids, the family honour, my age and… and having sex.“ 

I felt him shudder against me and desperately wished I could make his discomfort vanish, could help him through and over this, but not even the cosy blanket would help banish this kind of chill, as it was not the cold of nature around us that was making him uncomfortable, but a coldness coming from his heart, radiating freezing ice through his very veins. I knew that feeling. For all the good it did, I clutched his hand tighter, showing my silent support. His voice grew very, very distant and cold when he continued; I barely recognized my Ralof any more. 

„When I told them that I didn´t want to, that I couldn´t, they didn´t understand. I was so desperate by then, I made me tell them everything, I confessed what was wrong with me, that I wasn´t all that much into girls at all and would prefer never to marry at all. My and Igna’s fathers both got angry, mad, finally even violent. Igna didn´t do anything at the beginning, she just stood by and watched. She should have done something, should have stopped them, should have talked to them. Instead, it turned out she was worse than both of them together. She participated. I guess my father suspected who I was even then, knew what kind of a son he had, even as he yelled at me I must do what he says, that, if I didn´t want a wife, if I didnt want any woman at all, then he’d simply make me marry, make me take one. He screamed, he shouted and then he stared to get physical… I still have the scars his punches inflicted today. It were the first ones I ever got.“

I turned in his arms to look into his remarkably blazing eyes and breathe a loving soft kiss onto his cheek. His eyes were clear and very, very dark blue, dry, but as palpably deeply moved. He entertwined our fingers close and leaned into me. „Ra, that… that is terrible. I… I don´t even know what to say to that. Nobody should have to go through something like this. It’s… It’s so awful!“

He laughed without humour. „I am not finished yet,“ he said darkly. „Wait till you hear the rest of it.“

„It… gets worse?“

„Much,“ he nodded. „When I was on the floor, I struggled to get up, but I couldn´t – I wasn´t the man then, that I am today – my father had quite thoroughly beaten the crap out of me. He had broken two ribs, cracked some more of them, sprained my wrist and ankle and I couldn´t move a finger without hurting for days. I sometimes wish he had killed me there and then, cause what happened afterwards still haunts my blackest nightmares.“ He looked at the stars, at the peaceful surroundings, at the softly luminescent moon and the swooshing grass all around, everywhere and anywhere except at me as he continued in a hushed and hurried voice, as if he were desperate to get this over with, to finally have done with it, to unburden his heavy mind of drab and sad thoughts like this. „When I thought it was finally, eventually over, my father gestured to Igna and Igna spoke up and told them both to hold me down. I had taken her for a good girl, a sweet woman, a nice person. I was so surprised when she turned, when she showed her real, true face underneath the supple cleavage, the delicate features. It turned out I was completely wrong about her. She was worse than any daedric prince. Worse, even, than my own father.“ His voice began to quiver in dreadful rememberance. „She got undressed, hitched her skirts, pulled down my pants and right there, in front of our fathers, she made me…do…“ 

He stopped, taking a deep breath, too moved to go on. But then, there was no need to go into detail, no need to force him to go there, no need for him to continue. I could very well imagine what had happened next. I grimaced, unbelieving, shell-shocked, disgusted, lost for words. Who could do such a thing? And to a mere boy? Especially to his own son? I got up on my elbow and watched his pained face from above. I longed to kiss his worries away, but now was not the right time for that.

„And your father…? He… he just let her? He just let her abuse you like that? By Oblivion, how could he do such a thing? You were his son.“

„He held me down, even cheered her on. They both did. And I struggled, but I was too weak to break their hold on me, I was too weak to get away. It was… worse than anything else I can imagine.“

„That’s so sick! How can anyone let something like that happen?“ I barely dared ask, but couldn´t stop myself. „What happened next? Did you… do it?“ 

He laughed again in mock amusement – though nothing of this was even remotely funny. I felt a deep and almost overwhelming rage course through my body at the thought of his father and the vile creatures who could do this to him, who had hurt him in one of the most crucial ways possible. If he was not dead already, my resolution to personally kill him for his unspeakable crime would have formed there and then at the very latest. 

„Next?“, Ralof asked tonelessly. „There was no next. She wanted to get pregnant, wanted to conceive there and then, to properly and quite finally bind me to her and the child, no matter if I wanted to or not. It turned out that had been their plan from the beginning. And she really got straight to it, but… I just… I couldn´t do it.“

„Oh, Ra…“

„No matter what she tried. What they tried.“ He shivered again. „I felt terrible when they finally gave up and left me alone.“

„I… I don´t know what to say,“ I said finally, being honestly and truly quite thoroughly lost for words. I could not imagine anything as heartless and unbelievable as that. In fact, if it hadn´t been Ralof, if I had heard this story from anyone else, I wouldn´t have believed any of it. But I felt sure Ralof was not lying, I was convinced he didn´t even exaggerate. He had no reason to, he just wouldn´t do any of that. Which made me pity him even more. But I was not sure how to show it, how to react, or how he wanted me to react. I was speechless.

He nodded and I could feel his warm chest rise and fall under big intakes and exhalations of breath. He kissed my shoulder and his arm petted my side. 

„It’s okay. You don´t have to say anything. You also don´t have to pity me. I just wanted you to know. You were honest about yourself earlier, and I wanted you to know about my past as well, before… you know…“ He hesitated again briefly as he searched my eyes and held my gaze with them; I felt utterly unable to break eye contact, too mesmerized to even blink. „Before we are… together.“

„Is that what we are going to be?“, I asked cautiously, wanting to clarify. „Together?“

„Do you want to?“

I smiled down at him and closed my eyes in happy contentment. „Yes,“ I said. „Yes I do. I’ve wanted to be with you since the first time I saw you on that cart in Helgen. Even back then, when I didn´t know you as I know you now, you left a more than striking impression and I was desperate to see you again. Ever wonder why I was so eager to join your rebellion? I would never have let myself dream of a world where you would requiet these feelings, though. It is not usually the case, where I am concerned.“

„Yet, here we are,“ he responded as he pulled me closer into his arms. „I guess both of us got lucky, then.“ 

„True enough. I only wish I had known before… I would maybe have mustered the courage to ask you out a year ago. But I am glad things happened the way they did, or we would never have had such a beautiful evening, I would not have had such a wonderful time.“

„Thank you,“ he said solemnly. „I had the time of my life as well. I just hope I didn´t make you feel uncomfortable with… you know… that story and… everything.“ He averted his gaze again and looked away.

„You didn´t, Ra,“ I said and squeezed his hand in additional support. „This is a part of you, it is your past, and therefore, it belongs to you, for better or worse. I am glad you trusted enough in me to tell me. And I don´t want to dwell or make this any more uncomfortable than it already is – we don´t ever have to talk about it again – but… will you allow me one last question?“

„Yes,“ he said, nodding seriously. „Sure.“

„What happened to Igna? What to your father. Surely, they didn´t just get away with it? Did you tell anyone? Also, you practically came out to them that day? Did they… accept it? Accept you?“

„What do you think?“, he asked, but he was not angry or mad at me, he just sounded sad and resigned, weary and worldly-wise. „Neither of us ever spoke of it again. I didn´t tell anyone. Nobody would have believed me, and anyways, I just wanted it to be over and forget. It was a horrible experience. Igna and her father returned to Helgen that very day and I never saw either of them again.“ Quieter, and as if in an afterthought, he mumbled: „I hope they died that day when Alduin attacked. They sure would have deserved it more than anyone else living in that accursed place up there.“ He sighed. „My father,“ he continued in his regular voice, „my father did very much not accept this any more in the days and weeks that followed, than he did on the fateful day itself, but he never spoke to me again about any of it. In fact, he stopped talking to me altogether, I don´t know if out of hate or shame, but I don´t really care any more. As long as he didn´t tell Gerdur, as long as she doesn´t know, I am okay with it. And seeing as she never mentioned anything, I think I am safe. It was years ago, and I have come to terms with it, though I will probably never be able to forget.“

„Nor should you.“ I spoke with quiet determination as he looked at me in surprise. „It is good to know the bumpy road we have come, to remember the things we had to endure, the discomfort we had to go through, and all the things that will have to change, if we finally want to be accepted by the world. I know it is often painful and it can be a hell of a job, but somehow, sometime, we will make it work and some day, not only we will be glad about it.“

„You think the world will ever accept the likes of us?“

I shrugged my shoulders. „I don´t know, but as long as there is hope, I’m prepared to fight for it. Aren´t you?“

He heaved a deep, deep sigh. „So far, fighting hasn´t helped me particularly much. At least not in my past. I only caused sorrow and woe. I wonder if it is even worth the bother. I wonder, sometimes, why I even still care. Apparently, I am just not good enough, no matter how hard I try to fight.“

„You are enough,“ I whispered, my lips close to his heart; I could feel it beating away just underneath his strongly muscled chest. „You are enough for me. Just… don´t give up. Together, we will find a way to fight, okay? We can make a difference. Do you trust me?“

„I trust you,“ he answered in a husky voice, coloured with emotion. „But I don´t want to fight any more. I am tired of all of it. Let’s just… not. Do you think we can be happy without?”

I regarded him solemnly. „I think I can be happy, just as long as you are with me. No matter anything else. And if you don´t want people to know, if you want to keep us a secret, I am happy with that as well.“ I hesitated for the blink of an eye, before going for the very final haul, taking the biggest risk yet. „I love you, Ralof.“

The howling of a distant nocturnal animal made us pause for a moment and I felt myself hanging in suspense for half an eternity, hoping against all hope that I had not put him off after all, that it wasn´t too early still to tell him, that he would understand. I held my breath, not daring to raise my eyes to meet his, for fear of rejection or worse. He propped himself up on his elbow as well now, the blanket slipping down to around our hips as he rested his head against his hand and gently brushed a strand of hair that had fallen into my face back behind my ear. 

„I am happy to hear that,“ he said, stroking my forehead softly. „Because I love you too. I wouldn´t have believed you could. Not, after getting to know me better… I can be… reclusive, sometimes. After all that’s happened, sometimes, I am just not sure whom I can still trust in this world. But, now I know I can trust you.“

I brought our lips together again and this time, Ra responded immediately, sighing contentedly. „I am glad that you told me, Ralof,“ I said finally, quietly, but not with any less feeling involved. I was convinced that he could hear the raw determination resonating in my voice. I breathed a soft kiss onto his cheek. „About all of it. Cause now that I know, now that I see what you were put through and what people made you endure, I can make sure that no one will ever, ever hurt you like that again. And if they try, I promise you, I will be there to prevent it.“ 

∞∞∞

We made love under the moons and stars a second time, Ra already much more ready and confident than the first time. After we had finished, he pulled me up, grinning madly, and – stark naked in the middle of the night – he led me a short distance further up the rocky hillside, until we reached a small but very pristine and clear pond of cool and refreshing water and washed up together. There was a small family of foxes, drinking there, but they took off in puzzled flight as soon as they saw us approach. Suddenly, being with Ralof like this, touching him familiarly, interacting with him as if I had known him forever, I felt like we had been together for ages and not only mere hours. Already, Ralof felt like a part of me, like he belonged to me, as surely as I belonged to him, as surely as the sun and stars belonged in the sky. I was utterly comfortable around him, as comfortable as I wasn´t with most other men and at the same time entirely at ease with him. He truly had to be my soulmate, my one true love in this life; I was just made to love him. It was a feeling I had always silently craved for, always wanted to experience, but had never before been able to feel, not with any of my past lovers, not with anyone. Ralof was the one, I felt sure of it.

Having gained his confidence around me and finally accepted his true feelings for something good and desirable, rather than something twisted or cursed, he opened up more and more, and though he was still the same person he had always been, the same person I had so desperately fallen in love with, he grew more witty and comfortable around me by the hour and he would make small jokes or flash his adorably sweet and disarming smile my way, which I found so incredibly charming we nearly did it a third time, right there in the refreshing water. But Ralof pulled back reluctantly, saying he’d love to, but he had to be home with his sister and her husband in Riverwood, before they got up about an hour before dawn to commence work at the farm. He was expected to help them, to keep an eye on their unruly son. His sister didn´t know where he was, had no idea he was on his first date ever right now – and with an elf on top of it – and Ralof didn´t want her to find out. I understood, and followed him back down to the ancient ring of weathered, towering stones. We got dressed together, this being the first time I was putting clothes back on the man I loved, rather than mindlessly tearing them off. It was an entirely new, but not at all unpleasant experience and I enjoyed every single second of it, even though it took ages to retrieve all the layers of clothing we had so inconsiderately discarded all around us before. I found my tunic crumbled irrecognizably at the base of a tree, tangled and partially torn from the claws of some bird or other, Ra’s breeches had landed in an anthill. I cracked up merrily as he held up the formerly white piece of clothing, now crawling with ants, the tiny creatures bustling and teeming all over it, Ra unable to shake them off completely, no matter how hard he tried. I suggested it would be safer if he went without. He chuckled and agreed, laughing heartily. It was taking ages to be fully back to normal again, the kissing and trading affections in between, as well as the uninhibited laughs we shared, stretching and pleasantly prolonging the entire enterprise. The last thing I donned were my weapons and I fastened the clasp around my shoulders reluctantly with a silent click, sad that this perfect evening was slowly but inexorably coming to its end, and that there was no longer anything I could do to prevent it.

Ra took up the basket and, watching out for both of us along the dark way, he started down the overgrown and barely used line of trodden earth down the steep hillside slowly, careful not to alert any nocturnal animals or startle the odd flock of birds from their peaceful sleep, all the while talking quietly, laughing much more often than I was used to, warming my heart like nothing else would ever again be able to. About halfway along the way – Riverwood had just come into view way below us to the right, the happily gurgling river along its eastern edge already visible, but not yet audible from our elevated vantage point – Ra quietly slipped his warm hand into my much cooler one, and we soon reverted into reverent but contented silence. I gladly let him, and, without any comment, we just held on to each other, walking along the way in comfortable understanding, the presence of the other enough to make both of us feel as happy as we could ever hope to be. For me, there were just no words available to enhance this precious sense of finally belonging.

Back down at the base of the mountain, we stopped, the time finally here, the point of time where we would have to say goodbye for good, where we would have to part, where I had to leave him again, after I had at long last found true and uninhibited love. It went against every single instinct of mine, against my very nature, made me silently scream inside at the thought of letting him go like that, not seeing him again for stretching long weeks, yet always aching for him, never again truly and utterly happy without him by my side. Ra slipped his hand out of mine and I already wanted to protest meekly, but he placed it against my cheek and leaned in for a hard and insistent kiss. His lips were cool, much more so than in the heat of the moment before, his mouth moving necessitatively against mine, his lips pressed against mine tightly. He was still not a particularly adept kisser, I had noticed that before, but already, his touch had left its indelible impression on me, my body craving nothing else any more than only and exclusively him. Also, I had to notice in happy realization, that he was a quick study and our various practice tonight had already changed the way he held me, the way he touched me. His other arm came up behind my neck and he pulled me even closer into him. My hands closed around his hips and I opened myself to him with a sigh, but instead of deepening the kiss, rekindling the passion from before, he hesitated and I got the hint. I took a step back, our arms still around each other, but our bodies no longer touching.

„I don´t want to leave,“ I whispered.

„Neither do I want to see you go,“ he said, burying his face in my neck. I had my hand in his hair, caressing gently, while I was only too aware of his strong arms around my neck, holding me tight. „When can I see you again?“ He nuzzled the soft skin around the base of my ears, making my nerves tingle pleasantly. I had to chuckle despite myself.

„Whenever you want,“ I answered, teasing. „I could wait for you here, and we could steal away, as soon as your family is asleep tonight.“ 

„You would?“, he asked, puzzled, yet equally hopeful.

„Anything for you,“ I said, but we both knew athat this was nothing but wishful thinking.

He shook his head in regret. „I wish that were possible. I fear I’ll have to ride for Falkreath first thing tomorrow morning, make preparations in camp there. Galmar wants the men drilled ready when he visits to inspect next week. There’s a lot of work for me to be done there. I’d ask you to come, but I know you have different orders. Also, the men would be bound to notice.“

I nodded. „I know,“ I said, pulling away and holding him at arm’s length. „I have orders to pick up some documents in Whiterun and bring them to Galmar in the camp just outside Markath. And the way I know him, he wont be happy about even the slightest delay, no matter how handsome or sexy you might be.“ I winked. „But I’ll be able to make it there and back again in two week’s time. So, I guess we could meet up somewhere then. If you’re still in Falkreath, I could ask to be stationed there. I am sure Ulfric would let me. I’ll just have to avoid the locals. I do not have the best of relationships with the cronies of Jarl Siddgeir.“

„I’d love that,“ Ralof answered. „I’ll send you a message to Whiterun, as soon as I have settled in in Falkreath, and know how long I’ll have to stay there, okay?“

„I’ll count the days until then, darling.“ Pulling him in for a last, longing kiss, I pressed myself against him very tight. His arms nearly crushed me in his returning embrace. 

„Take care of yourself,“ he whispered close to my ear. Taken by surprise by the depth of feeling in his bassy, vibrating voice, I rejoiced at this declaration of affection coming from his shy and introverted soul. 

„You too,“ I brushed his lips affectionately one last time, and finally let go of him. It felt surprisingly much like letting go of a crucial and most important part of myself, so much so that I suddenly thought of myself as a lonely comet, thrown off track, erring through the entire vastness of outer space distractedly and seemingly volatile, Ralof being the brightly blazing sun that was pulling me in, attracting me, giving me purpose, giving me strenght, guiding my life back to what it was meant to be. There was a slight rosé shimmer on the eastern horizon and Ra looked back into the direction of his small hometown with an apprehensive frown on his angular face. „You’d better go,“ I said. „I don´t want to cause you any trouble. See you in a fortnight?“

He smiled his perfect, infectious smile and I couldn´t help but join in tenderly. „Definitely,“ he nodded, then waved his hand in farewell and turned around. Followed by a sombre and honest „I love you,“ he had started down the road before my brain could form any kind of proper reply. 

I stood there, watching the beautiful rear of the man who had brought love back into my otherwise desolent life disappear, wondering what might come of all of this, where this dalliance might lead to, where or what we might end up to be. Dare I hope I had found the partner for life at long last? After incessant and desperate seeking, after nearly giving up? The man I wanted to share my everything with, with whom I wanted to grow old together? Dare I hope he felt the same? That he regarded this as more than a simple, short affair, that he truly loved me back? It was definitely much too early to determine our fate together, to be wondering about any of this, about what the insecure future held in store for us and what could and would be, and there was nothing to do for me right now than go on and do what felt right to me, what I thought was best. After all, there was always hope. Hope, to rely on, hope, to believe in, and hope dies last. 

As long there was hope, I was not alone. As long as there was hope, there was life.


End file.
